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But beyond these, my son, be warned: there is no end to the making of many books (Eccl. 12:12 HCSB).

If Solomon were parenting today he might have said it this way, “There is no end to the making of many books, articles, blog posts, tweets . . .” (you get
the idea).

Because of Jesus, we have victory over enemies big and small. One of the weapons He has asked us to wield is our story.

The steady drip of written content Solomon noticed in his era has been replaced with a flood in ours. With so many words already circling the stratosphere,
I often stare down this question: “Why should I keep writing? What’s the point of adding my words to the deluge of content created by other writers?” But
day after day, year after year, I sit at my keyboard and write. Here are four reasons why.

1. There’s Power in My Story.

Revelation 12:11 describes the moment all of history longs for, when Satan is thrown down and God’s people are victorious. Pay attention to how we will
overcome:

They have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.

Because of Jesus, we have victory over enemies big and small. One of the weapons He has asked us to wield is our story.

Think about the testimony of Jim Elliot who sacrificed his life to share Jesus
with a remote Indian tribe in Ecuador.

Think about Naghmeh Abedini who used her story to tell 100 ambassadors at the United Nations that Jesus is
the solution their countries are looking for.

Think about Louis Zampereni, the former Olympic runner and WWII prisoner of war, who overcame
alcoholism, night terrors, and a failing marriage after a collision with the gospel.

I don’t count myself in the same league as the heros on that list, but I do have a story to tell about God’s grace and provision in my life, so I write
about what God has done.

Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story—those he redeemed from the hand of the foe (Ps. 107:2 NIV).

2. Writing Takes Me “to the End of the Earth.”

Jesus said, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation” (Mark 16:15).

Acts 1:8 promises, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and
Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”

When it comes to ministry, God asks us to think globally. Yes, I need to use my gifts to serve my local church. I am called to love the people in my
zipcode. Writing is not a substitute for either of those things, but I add it to the ways I am investing in the kingdom close to home because it allows me
to expand my reach.

Just this week I heard from a woman who reads my blog posts in Canada and another who is teaching one of my Bible studies in South Africa. As a momma of
three on a farm in Missouri, I could never disciple someone in Canada or teach a Bible study in Africa, but God graciously allows me to have influence in
those regions through writing. He sends me to the nations from my desk in the Midwest. That mind-blowing truth keeps me writing.

3. I Write as a Record for the Next Generation.

In the wake of my grandfather’s recent death, we have spent hours combing through his belongings. Though I know my grandpa had a deep faith in Jesus and
experienced His work in his life, he didn’t write it down. We are left guessing about the details of his Christian walk. I don’t want my children to say
the same thing about me.

Long after I’m buried, I want people to know that Jesus rescued me, that He constantly provided for me, that He kept His promises to me.

Long after I’m buried, I want people to know that Jesus rescued me, that He constantly provided for me, that He kept His promises to me. I want there to be
an overwhelming body of evidence for His work in my life for my children and grandchildren.

We all have a responsibility to pass the torch of faith to the next generation. Writing is part of how I do that.

He established a testimony in Jacob
and appointed a law in Israel,
which he commanded our fathers
to teach to their children,
that the next generation might know them,
the children yet unborn,
and arise and tell them to their children (Ps. 78:5–6).

4. My Gifts Are Meant for the Kingdom.

The honest truth is, I can’t not write. Words burn in my heart until I feel I might burst if I don’t get them on a page (or screen). I often feel like a
fish who lives on land, and when I write it’s like I get to swim in the fishbowl for a while. I know this is because God has uniquely gifted me to write.
Like all gifts from Him, I want to surrender writing for the benefit of God’s kingdom.

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace (1 Peter 4:10).

It is my deep desire to use my words to encourage, equip, challenge, or teach others to follow God and His Word more closely.

Living for Jesus vs. Writing About Jesus

I take my role as a writer seriously. There are certainly plenty of landmines buried in a writing career, primarily that I will become more concerned about
writing about Jesus than living for Jesus. When that happens, I pull back and stop writing for a while.

Because of Jesus, you have a story worth telling.

The word of my testimony isn’t very powerful if I’m not actually doing the things I write about. There is also a temptation to use writing to shine a
spotlight on myself instead of on Jesus or to see writing as my only ministry outlet when God clearly asks me to love others in ways more tangible than
words on a computer screen (Matt. 25:35–40).

Because of these temptations, I have accountability in place to make sure I am actually living what I write. Certainly I make mistakes, but that’s a part
of my story, too.

Because of Jesus, you have a story worth telling. Maybe you will sing it in song or whisper it into your baby’s ear or write it in a book. Whatever your
gifts, find a way to tell about what God has done. “Let the redeemed of the Lord, tell their story!”

In fact, I’d love to hear your story today.

Why do you do what you do for the Lord?
What story do you have to tell?
How are you using your gifts to build God’s kingdom?

PS: If you’re wondering how to write, needing tools to keep writing, or want a reminder why what you write matters, join me at Revive ’15. I’ll be with
Lore Ferguson Wilbert and Jennifer Lyell in a pre-conference track on writing titled “Writing to Touch Hearts.”

 

See you there!

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ Advice to Young Writers and Speakers.”

 

I stared at my computer for a long time. After reading about the Ashley Madison scandal that is currently sending shockwaves through our culture (anyone
else feeling like it’s a train wreck? It’s hard to look away!), I learned that you could search the hacked database to find out if your spouse was on the
list.

I followed the link but paused for a long time before finally deciding not to enter my husband’s information in the search bar.

The same Spirit that is at work in our hearts is at work in the lives of the believing men around us.

I’ve been at this crossroads before, fighting a deep and nagging fear that news of my husband’s infidelity is right around the corner. I haven’t always
chosen to kick my fear to the curb. More often, I’ve invited the fear to sit in the driver’s seat.

The Ashley Madison headlines are recent, but men who cheat aren’t new news. For many years, I’ve struggled with an intense fear that my husband would
cheat. That fear was reinforced by a dad who cheated and tales of infidelity even among my Christian brothers and sisters.

Fear left unchecked can wreak all kinds of havoc on our hearts and lives. In my case, the fear that my man was destined to stray led me to be clingy,
accusatory, anxious, and worried. None of those behaviors could have kept him from cheating. That’s a job for the Holy Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law
(Gal. 5:22–23).

Do All Men Cheat?

During the most intense seasons of fear, I kept stumbling across verses like Romans 8:15, which states, “For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to
fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons,” and 2 Timothy 1:7, which says, “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power
and love and self-control.” These verses made me want to deal with the fear that was gripping my heart (and my marriage), but I didn’t know how. The fear
that my husband would cheat wasn’t something that I could just talk myself out of. It’s a fear that didn’t unravel until God started exposing the lies
rooted to my fear.

Men aren’t given an extra dose of the sin nature any more than we have been given an extra helping of self-control.

I realized that my fear was based, in part, in the lie that all men cheat. The media portrays men as unable to control their sexual appetite. I just
assumed that if given the opportunity, my man would cheat out of an inability to control himself. This lie has dangerous ramifications far beyond a fearful
heart.

The truth is that men are no more carnal than we are.

Titus 2:11–13 says,

The grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to
live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior
Jesus Christ.

We don’t have the market cornered on self-control. The same Spirit that is at work in our hearts is at work in the lives of the believing men around us.
Men aren’t the animals we see them portrayed as. They aren’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean that the entire gender is destined to ditch their marriage
vows.

No Spiritually Superior Gender

Ladies, I think that sometimes we see ourselves as more spiritual than our male counterparts. The truth is the Holy Spirit lives in men who know Jesus as
vibrantly as He lives in our own hearts. Men aren’t given an extra dose of the sin nature any more than we have been given an extra helping of
self-control.

All of us are prone to run away from God’s best for our lives. It’s why we need a Savior so much.

All of us are prone to run away from God’s best for our lives. It’s why we need a Savior so much. My deep fear of marital unfaithfulness has forced me to
search my own sinful heart. Over and over again, I’ve had to make the choice to praise God for His grace in my own life instead of going on a witch hunt
for sin in the life of my husband.

I love how Alvin Reid said it recently, “I am experiencing personal revival because I stopped confessing everyone else’s sin.”

I closed my laptop and reminded myself that though imperfect, I have a wonderful husband. I gave him a hug instead of an accusation. I chose to lay my
fear, again, in God’s capable hands.

Is your man doing his best to live out his faith in Jesus? Has his love for you and commitment to your marriage kept him faithful? Don’t wait in
anticipation for the moment he will fail. Thank him for serving God by faithfully loving you.

Note: To those wives whose husbands have cheated, please check out these posts for a hopeful dose of God’s truth.

The Whole Truth: To the Christian Woman Who Just Discovered Her Husband’s Affair

Hope for the Hopeless Marriage

We are a culture of advocates. Perhaps more than ever before, it’s trendy to latch on to a cause and passionately declare our support through colored
ribbons, memes, and virtual thumbs up. While I love to see us standing up for truth with passion, in our zeal to champion the people and causes we love, I
can’t help but notice that we seem to have missed something that matters deeply to God—unity.

Do we value harmony in the Church to the same degree we esteem
right theology and defending our tribes?

Sure, we throw “unity” around when we are speaking Christianese. But do we really get it? Do we value harmony in the Church to the same degree we esteem
right theology and defending our tribes? Yep, theology matters. Yep, it’s okay to align myself with people who help me love and live out God’s Word better.
But advocacy that cracks the foundations of the family of God misses a massive mark. If we are really interested in understanding and applying Scripture,
we won’t miss the clear message that unity in the Body matters to God.

With that in mind, here are five biblical reasons to care about unity in the Church.

1. Jesus passionately prayed for unity.

In John 17, we find Jesus praying to the Father in the moments before He was arrested, put on trial, and eventually executed. Since that moment is a little
too cosmic for my finite brain to grasp the significance of, I like to think of it as the final huddle that would decide the outcome of a game that had
gone into sudden death. Jesus knew what was on the line. It was all or nothing at this point, so He huddles up with the Father and prays a desperate,
passionate prayer.

What did He ask God for?

“That they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.
The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly
one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me” (John 17:21–23).

It’s go time. Soldiers are steps away. Jesus knows what’s coming, and He gets His game face on by taking some time to pray a short, passionate prayer.
First, He prays for the disciples (vv. 6–19), knowing that after His death they would build His Church. But then He pivots and prays for us (v. 20). Here’s
what He specifically asks the Father for on our behalf:

• That we would be witnesses. (More on that in a minute.)
• That we would be with Him.
• That the Father’s love would be in us.

Those are all important things, but they aren’t what Jesus asks the Father for most often or most passionately. In this short prayer, He asks the Father to
give us unity three times.

• “They may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you.”
• “They may be one even as we are one.”
• “They may become perfectly one.”

Not once does He pray that we would understand and apply the Bible perfectly. He never prays that we would be able to argue eloquently. He doesn’t pray for
us to become passionate advocates. He prays for us to be unified. And then He prays for it again. And then one more time with feeling. When Jesus looked
ahead and saw us, what was He most desperate to see? Unity.

2. Unity is fragile. Handle with care.

And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us return and visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they
are.” Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and
had not gone with them to the work.



And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed
away to Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and departed, having been commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. And he went through Syria and Cilicia,
strengthening the churches (Acts 15:36–41).

Paul and Barnabas were thick as thieves. The Bible tells us that it was Barnabas who first advocated for Paul after his dramatic conversion ( Acts 9:27). Barnabas accompanied Paul on his first missionary
journey (Acts 13–14). Together they traveled more than 1,200 miles
over the course of two years. If you’ve ever been on a mission trip, you know it works like spiritual superglue, bonding you to your fellow travelers like
few other experiences can. And yet, despite all of their history and all that held them together, a single disagreement caused them to part ways. One
“sharp disagreement” severed unity and put oceans between these two Christian brothers.

Slapping on smiley faces and singing Kumbaya
through clenched teeth isn’t the answer. Fighting hard for unity is.

Unity is slippery like that. One minute we are living in harmony with our Christian brothers and sisters, fiercely committed to each other and our shared
Savior, and the next minute our church is splitting, our small group is fractured, or two Christians are duking it out online.

There is no sense pretending we aren’t prone to discord. It has been this way since the beginning of mankind. Slapping on smiley faces and singing Kumbaya
through clenched teeth isn’t the answer. Fighting hard for unity is.

3. Unity is an evangelism tool.

Pop quiz! What did Jesus say was on the line when He asked the Father for unity on our behalf? (Go ahead and cheat by re-reading John 17:21–23 above. You
can even skip to the last line).

“I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me” (John
17:23).

Jesus wants us to be unified so that the world will know that He is God’s Son and that He loves them. Since discord, pain, and fracture are the norm in our
fallen world, true unity will draw in the lost like moths to a flame. That’s why the Psalmist wrote these words:

Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity! (Ps. 133:1).

Unity in the Church is an evangelism tool. The flipside is that when the Body is fractured, it undercuts Christ’s message. Why God opted to put the weight
of that on the shoulders of a group as contrary and finicky as we are is beyond me, but He did. When He prayed urgently for us to be unified, it wasn’t
just so we could all feel warm and fuzzy. It was because He knew that unity shoots up a beacon of hope in a fractured world.

4. Unity is a commandment.

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12).

Loving other believers well isn’t a suggestion. It’s a commandment, straight from Jesus’ mouth. Just in case we are tempted to justify some of the unloving
things we say to each other, Jesus spells out just how high the bar is . . .

“Love one another as I have loved you.”

We are to love each other sacrificially, even when our fellow Christians don’t “deserve” it. (Because Jesus loved us sacrificially even though we didn’t
deserve it).

What does that look like practically?

• It looks like following the clear model for dealing with conflict among believers outlined by Jesus in Matthew 18:15–20. This passage encourages us to work
  out our differences one-to-one and in person. Interacting on a Facebook wall is not the same thing. Neither is a heated Twitter battle.
• It looks like valuing unity above being “right.”
• It looks like championing other Christians as often as possible instead of looking for reasons to pick them apart.
• It looks like speaking highly of the Church and its members.

5. Unity protects us.

Unity matters because it is a fence that protects us from the wolves that want to rip the Church apart. I know that sounds dramatic, but listen to how Paul
wrote about it in Romans 16:17–18:

I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them.
For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

One commentator pointed out that Paul was addressing the “sin of schism,” that tendency that many of us have to cause division. We are a culture accustomed
to discord. Our politics are based on two parties in perpetual duke-it-out mode. Our news comes to us through two talking heads debating both sides of
every story. But this is not God’s model for the Church. God’s people are meant to be an oasis from the “schism” all around us.

Unity in the Church is an evangelism tool.

Paul tells us to be on the lookout for those who come against the unity of the Church. Before you take your place on the wall, determined to watch out for
anyone who might cause disharmony, check yourself. Are there any ways you are committing the “sin of schism”?

With Jesus’ clear call to unity in mind, I’d love to urge (beg, plead!) us as Christians to force ourselves to ask these questions as we write, speak, and
post.

• Will this contribute to unity or discord?
• Will someone look at this post, comment, tweet and declare it “good and pleasant”?
• Do I commit the “sin of schism” by strongly opposing other Christians often or in public forums?

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “One-Souled Relationships.”

 

This year I turned 35.

When I was a teenager, thirty seemed ancient. But as I crest the hill of my mid-thirties, I can assure you I won’t be picking out a retirement home any time soon. I’m just getting warmed up. In fact, my thirties have been some of the best, most fruitful, most fun years of my life. I don’t have life all figured out, but God has taught me some valuable lessons since high school graduation.

Whether you are heading back to school in a few weeks or you turned your tassel long ago, I think you’ll find that these are truths you can take to the bank because they are deeply rooted in the timeless Word of God (the ultimate school for knowledge and wisdom!).

1. God’s promises are true.
2. He really does have a hope and a future for me (Jer. 29:11).
3. The college, major, and career I pick don’t define me. I am not my work. I am a child of God.
4. Marrying a guy who loves Jesus really, really matters.
5. Parents are pretty cool. Their rules are for my good.
6. Being the prettiest or most popular girl in school matters for about half a second after graduation. In contrast, being the kindest girl in school gets remembered well past your ten-year reunion.
7. You will look back at pictures of you and think you were stunning. Trust me.
8. Insecurity is a massive waste of time and energy. Be confident in God’s love.
9. “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps” (Prov. 16:9). It’s okay to have a ten-year plan, but there’s a 100% chance God will interrupt it. That’s a good thing.
10. The bands you listen to in high school will be your very favorite bands forever. Keep the t-shirts. They will be “vintage” and awesome when you’re thirty.
11. You truly do reap what you sow. I love how Nancy Leigh DeMoss says it, “You are what you’re becoming.” Do you want to know your Bible frontwards and backwards later? Study it like crazy now. Do you want to be more like Christ someday? Be more like Him today.
12. Broken hearts heal. Mine got broken often in high school. All these years later I’ve still never felt a pain like it. But those deep chasms are now all healed up. If your heart is broken, I promise it will heal and someone else will capture it someday.
13. Start saving money now. I know that top at Anthropologie is super cute, but it’s also crazy overpriced. Imagine dropping that $75 in a savings account and using it for something lasting like a car, an education, or a child sponsorship. Most people think they will start saving “someday.” I wish I had developed the discipline of saving money as a high school student. While we are on the subject of money . . .
14. Start tithing. The Bible calls all believers to tithe regardless of income. So, if you have an allowance, a part-time job or babysitting money, you have an income. Everything you make belongs to God, but there are tremendous blessings to be found in giving a portion of it back to Him. Don’t wait until you’re rolling in the dough to start tithing.
15. The world doesn’t revolve around me. That’s a good thing.
16. Champion others as often as possible. Instead of wanting everyone to cheer you on, figure out ways to cheer them on.
17. Normal is a mirage. Embrace your weirdness.
18. I know that boy gives you butterflies, but that won’t carry you through the ups and downs of life. Find someone who loves Jesus (remember point #4), but also someone who is fun to talk to and knows how to cope when the going gets tough. Then, when you least expect it, the butterflies will start to flutter in your tummy once again. Fourteen years after I married my high school sweetheart, I still get butterflies.
19. I’ve never met someone my age who is glad she partied in high school. Ever. I’ve met lots and lots of them who regretted it. There is no long-term benefit from that scene.
20. You don’t need a bunch of friends. You need one or two who’ve really got your back.
21. Worry less about having the right friends and worry more about being the right friend.
22. Be picky about your friends. The Bible says it this way, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Prov. 13:20). Pick wise friends. Since Proverbs 9:10 tells us that the fear of the Lord is where wisdom begins, wise friends need to be Jesus-loving friends.
23. Don’t be afraid to fail. Stand up in front of the class and give that speech. Try out for the lead role in the play. Start a club. You may fall on your face. You may not. But at least you went for it.
24. You can do big things for the kingdom now. Don’t wait to get involved in ministry.
25. Your parents don’t need to be your friends right now. They need to be your parents, and that means they make and enforce the rules. The good news is, they will likely be your friends someday. Right now God has given them the job of being in charge. Do everything you can to make that job easier.
26. Find something you are good at and enjoy it, but don’t make it your whole life. Soccer is supposed to be fun, not stressful. So is singing, sculpting, and playing the saxophone.
27. It’s okay to miss practice for church. In fact, church trumps activities every single time.
28. Sometimes it’s cool to love Jesus and not the Church, but Jesus loves the Church. If there is something that could be better at your church, then get involved and make it better instead of complaining or checking out. The Church is the Bride of Christ.
29. Your youth pastor is not your connection to God.
30. “The things of earth will come to pass, only what’s done for Christ will last.” That’ll preach.
31. When you get your license, it’s a license to drive, not a license to do stupid things. I know because within a few weeks of getting my license, I got caught racing on the highway and wrapped my car around a telephone pole. I drove dumb so you don’t have to.
32. When you do something stupid to impress someone, it’s still doing something stupid, and it likely won’t impress them as much as if you did something smart. Do the smart thing instead.
33. Your siblings are cooler than you think. When you’re thirty-five, they’ll be the people you want to grab coffee with.
34. Nothing good happens after curfew. Go home.
35. “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting” (Prov. 31:30). Since outward beauty cannot last, spend your time growing a beautiful heart.

Visit ReviveOurHearts.com/35lessons for a special locker art graphic of “35 Things I Wish I’d Known in High School,” and give it to a student who’s heading back to school.

 

News flash: Scientists say modern teenagers have grown another appendage.

Well, those are not their exact findings, but close. A recent Pew Research Study shows what any of us who have tried to look a teenager in the eye recently
already know—they are superglued to their iStuff. Here are the study’s highlights:

• Three-fourths of teenagers have or have access to a smartphone. (My experience shows that the other fourth are begging their parents for a
  smartphone, 24/7.)
• 92 percent of teenagers are online daily.
• 24 percent of teenagers go online “almost constantly.”
• 71 percent of all teenagers are on Facebook. Half are on Instagram; a quarter are on Twitter.

In other words, they’re online. A lot. The hub of their existence is digital. It is how they connect with friends, vet new ideas, and develop a worldview.

The hub of their existence is digital. It is how they connect with friends, vet new ideas, and develop a worldview.

Teenagers’ hyper use of technology is not exactly new news. They have long been on the cutting edge of social media as natural early adopters. Just because
that’s obvious doesn’t mean we, as adults, have always responded correctly. Here are three reasons to pay attention to what teenagers are doing online.

1. “I’m watching you, Wazowski. Always watching you.”

That classic line from Monsters Inc. is the gut punch all of us grown-ups need as we post, comment, and click away online. Just like Roz, the
secretary/head of a secret government agency, warned Mike Wazowski that her eyes were always on him, these numbers about the massive number of teenagers
who are online are a warning: We are being watched.

Teenagers are watching how we behave online.

While it may seem like teenagers have one world online and we have another, it simply isn’t true. Teenagers are watching how we behave online. They are
reading what we post, and I’ve got to be honest, I think we’ve showed them just how low the bar can go.

• What are we teaching teenagers about authenticity when we post spackled versions of ourselves online?
• What are we showing them about loving their neighbors when we work so hard to create dividing lines, identify or disassociate with tribes, and
  blast political and spiritual leaders in the virtual colosseum that the Internet so often becomes?
• What are we demonstrating about how to deal with conflict in the church when we violate the principles of Matthew 18 so often?

All parents know that “do as I say, not as I do” is hogwash. So why is it that we assume teenagers will ascribe to it when it comes to our behavior online?
I don’t model Christlikeness online perfectly, but I’ve stopped pretending the teenagers in my world aren’t looking at my example through their Twitter and
Insta feeds. For the next generation of social media-loving Jesus followers, I’d like to urge us to raise the bar.

2. They’re hungry for human connection.

Despite the fact that most young people have an average of 243 Facebook friends, it’s not translating into real-life friendships. Researchers theorize that
they are spending so much time online that they no longer have time to go out with non-Facebook friends. Even with Facebook “friends” and Twitter
“followers,” teenagers are lonelier than ever before.

“Skin hunger” is a real condition that is affecting more and more of us. Think of skin hunger as the adult version of failure to thrive. It has become such
an issue that MIT students invented the Like-A-Hug inflatable jacket—a garment that inflates to “hug” you whenever someone likes your Facebook post. In
2006, the Hug Shirt was released. TIME Magazine named it one of the best inventions of the year.

Even with Facebook “friends” and Twitter “followers,” teenagers are lonelier than ever before.

I can only assume that skin hunger has gotten progressively worse since then. In the absence of regular, meaningful human contact, we fail to reach our
full potential. One study discovered that skin hunger was making young people as lonely as the elderly, the group typically seen as the loneliest among us.

The bottom line is this: The teenagers in your world need a hug. They need eye contact. They need someone to sit across from them in an actual coffee shop
and carry on a conversation without emojis. Since Titus 2 calls all of us to invest in the next generation, this is important news. We don’t have to be
cool. (Thank goodness!) We don’t have to develop slick programs. We don’t have to write or speak in teenager jargon. As we seek to disciple young people,
the plan is simple—give them what they crave, human connection, and then point them to Jesus. You can do that!

3. The mission field is online.

According to Barna, nearly half of Americans who accept Jesus as their Savior do so before the age of thirteen. Two out of three born-again Christians made
that commitment to Christ before they turned eighteen. Clearly, evangelism is bearing fruit among the very young. My own walk with Christ is the result of
a youth pastor who invited me and my sister out for pizza and then talked to us about faith. Evangelism and discipleship really can be that simple.

The hearts of teenagers are one of the most fruitful mission fields on the planet.

Since all believers are called to go and make disciples as part of the Great Commission, sharing the gospel effectively should be our collective concern.
The hearts of teenagers are one of the most fruitful mission fields on the planet. What’s more, the future of the Church sits squarely on their shoulders.
We’ve missed something when we relegate the evangelism and discipleship of this people group solely to the guys with the cargo shorts and goatees.

While it’s true that we should seek to engage the next generation in person, we also need to go where they are—online. It is worth considering:

• How can we present the gospel in a meaningful, winsome way to teenagers online?
• How can we be more welcoming to teenagers in our own online communities?
• How can we better model who Jesus calls us to be online? (See point #1.)

I’m glad we’re sending missionaries to places like Africa and China, but with the goal of making and training disciples in mind, I think we may be missing
a potential gold mine. Teenagers are online, and their hearts are fertile places for seeds of truth. As a church, we need reach out to this accessible and
attentive people group with the Good News.

Stop the Eye Rolling

When it comes to teenagers and technology, we seem to have adopted a classic teenage posture. We roll our eyes, sigh, and collectively throw up our hands
about the fact that the young people in our world are glued to their phones. The facts are, they are attached to those handheld devices and that trend is
unlikely to reverse. So instead of bemoaning them, let’s engage them. Instead of dismissing them, let’s disciple them. I’m looking for a few good
missionaries who are willing to raise the bar when it comes to who we are online and to look for ways to engage the teenagers in their world online and in
person. Will you join me?

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “3 Trojan Horses That Are Affecting Our Ability to Connect.”

 

I know that I’m not supposed to be. I’ve heard all of the lines about how God wins. I’ve sung the words plenty, “If our God is for us, then who can ever
stop us.” I know that I’m supposed to “fear not” and yet, in these times, I have to wonder how it’s possible to feel no fear without assuming an ostrich
position and ignoring all that is happening in our world.

In addition to tasting the bile of fear in my stomach, I am wrestling with how to reconcile my fear and my faith.

• What am I supposed to do with my fear?
• Is fear the “gift” that psychologists tell me it is, or is it evidence that my faith is sick and useless?
• I’ve been a Christian for nearly twenty years; should I have the fearlessness of Wonder Woman as a result?
• Is my fear a sin?

Fear makes me suddenly and painfully aware of my total lack of control.

I may not have all of the answers, but I know where to run to find them. God’s Word has plenty to say about fear. In fact, there are well over 400 verses
on the subject. I imagine that is because there is much to fear in our fallen and broken world and because I’m not the only one whose heart’s default
posture is fear. Yes, the Bible says “fear not.” In fact that is the most consistent message about fear in the Bible, but it’s not all God has to say on
the subject. If you’ve got questions about fear, the Bible has answers. Here’s an overview of the theology of fear found in God’s Word.

Fear is not always the absence of faith. Sometimes it’s the underpinnings of it.

If possible, I’d have Philippians 4:6–7 tattooed on the back of my eyeballs.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made to God. And the peace of God,
which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Fear makes me suddenly and painfully aware of my total lack of control. It pops the bubble of illusion that I can take care of myself. It forces me to look
for purpose and meaning beyond the trivial. It makes me desperate for hope.

In this way, fear is a gift because it yanks my eyes off of my naval and toward the only One who can do something about all that threatens me. I believe
this is why God asks us not to be anxious. It isn’t because there’s nothing to be anxious about. There is! But only God’s peace can shore us up enough to
face that.

Jesus Offers a Different Kind of Peace

There isn’t a lock that can keep every bad guy out. There isn’t a vaccine against every disease. There isn’t an army big enough to enforce world peace.
Those are the cold hard facts of life this side of Eden, but Jesus is the Prince of Peace (Isa. 9:6). He offers a different kind of comfort than I can find
in security systems and emergency preparedness plans.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid”
(John 14:27).

Aren’t all of our fears really rooted in a fear of death? Isn’t that why cancer scares the hooey out of us? Isn’t it why war is so terrifying? Since death
cannot touch Jesus, we can know that nothing that scares us will take Him down. Peace is the gift Jesus gave His followers upon returning to heaven. It
remains the unique gift of Christians and the exclusive hope we have to offer the world around us.

Because He is omnipotent, omnipresent, and sovereign over all, He can watch the unrolling of history without fear. I get to borrow some of that
fearlessness as His child. I cannot carry the burden of fear. I can say from experience it will crush me. But God does not tell me to slap on a happy face
and act like I live in La La Land. Nope. He gives me very specific instructions for what to do with my fear . . .

What Am I Supposed to Do with My Fear?

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he
cares for you (1 Peter 5:6–7).

What am I supposed to do with my fear and anxiety? I am supposed to hurl it toward the cross. Because in light of the fact that Jesus died in my place and
has secured an eternal place for me with Him, all fears—real or imagined—must shrink in significance.

What does that look like, practically? Let me give you an example . . .

What am I supposed to do with my fear and anxiety? I am supposed to hurl it toward the cross.

For several years, I was awakened in the middle of the night a couple of times a month with panic attacks. I couldn’t breathe. My mind and heart raced. My
chest felt like it was in a vice grip. You should know, I was a believer already. I was serving God in full-time vocational ministry. I read my Bible
often. And yet fear sometimes stalked me.

In those dark moments I didn’t know how to “cast my anxiety on him.” Then I learned the power of God’s Word. It is my offensive weapon when something
terrifying is charging me.

That’s why Ephesians 6:17 says, “And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

When I started to use the Word as a weapon, the panic attacks stopped. Now when I wake up afraid, I say verses like these out loud.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control (2 Tim. 1:7).
 
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isa. 41:10).

Slavery to fear is the mark of unbelievers. Adoption breaks the yoke.

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba!
Father!” (Rom. 8:15).

When my sons have nightmares, they want their daddy. His strong arms and calm voice provide an oasis when they are in the desert of fear. It is no accident
that in this passage God reminds us that we have been set free from the chains of fear and then reminds us that He is our “Abba! Father!” He is our daddy.
When we are afraid, we can run to His strong arms.

The yoke of fear was broken when He adopted you. That doesn’t mean you will never feel afraid. It does mean you don’t have to be chained to that fear. You
can put one foot in front of the other because you know your heavenly Father is keeping watch over His beloved sheep.

Knowing the difference between eternal and temporal threats changes what I fear.

Psalm 56:11, 118:6, and Hebrews 13:6 all reach the same conclusion . . .

“What can man do to me?”

I know that the answer is plenty. Man can hurt our feelings, ruin our reputation, corrupt our children. Man can harm our physical bodies and destroy our
property. Man can take what we treasure. I know those are all real threats; however, they are temporal. No reputation or possession will make it with us to
eternity. They might last eighty years, a blip compared to forever. When God “stamps eternity onto our eyeballs” we can see clearly that even in a worst-case
scenario, we have hope of a perfect existence free of pain and fear with Jesus. But if “fear not” is one side of the coin when it comes to how the Bible
describes fear, “fear God” is the other.

Knowing the difference between eternal and temporal threats changes what I fear.

Well over 100 times the Bible calls us to “fear God.” Because as much as God is our Comforter and Prince of Peace, He is also just, righteous, jealous, and
holy. The buck stops with Him. Instead of living our lives in fear of man, worrying about what the people around us might do or think, we are called to
fear God and make every choice with His will in mind.

I need a theology of fear because, without it, I will spend the best part of my days and years wringing hands and biting fingernails. I need to remind
myself often of all that God says about fear and to use my fear as a diving board that springs me into the deep waters of God’s truth.

Psalm 23:4 works like a life jacket in scary, choppy waters.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

The Psalmist wasn’t fearless because there was nothing to fear. He was in the Valley of the Shadow of Death after all. I think of that valley as the place
where our heart cries, “If I have to stay here one more minute, I’ll die!” It’s a dark and scary place. When we find ourselves there, why shouldn’t we be
afraid? Because of God’s presence. Because His rod is there to protect us, and His staff is there to shepherd us. Because He will not leave us there
forever. Because He has gone to prepare a place for us where all fears will cease. Remembering this is the only cure for my fearful heart.

• What makes you afraid?

• Do you have a good theology of fear?

• How can we show peace to a terrifying and terrified world?

PS: I love my friend Trillia Newbell’s book on the topic, Fear and Faith. I’ll choose three of you to win a free copy!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “When Fear Is Pressing in on Your Heart.”

 

It’s my birthday! You can tell by the twenty candles on my cake.

Nope, I’m not actually turning twenty (again!). I’m not celebrating my physical birthday; I’m celebrating my spiritual birthday. Twenty years ago this month, I walked an aisle in a hot and crowded auditorium and gave my heart to Jesus. Nothing has been the same since.

To celebrate all that God has done in my life in the past two decades, I came up with a wild and crazy idea. Here’s a video with the highlights.

Why I’m Asking for Blisters for My Birthday

Who I Stole The Idea From

The idea of doing something big to mark what God has done isn’t mine. I totally plagiarized it straight from His Word.

• In Genesis 35:7, Jacob built an altar to remember the night he wrestled with God.
• In Exodus 17:14-16, Moses built a memorial to commemorate God’s help in defeating the Amalekites.
• In Joshua 4, after safely moving the people of Israel across the Jordan River, God commanded them to pull up twelve stones from the riverbed as a monument to His deliverance.
• In Matthew 26:26-29, Jesus instituted the Lord’s Supper as a way to regularly remember His sacrifice on our behalf.

God clearly knows about our tendency to have spiritual amnesia and forget the good things He has done for us. Through His Word, He urges us to force our hearts to remember. I won’t be building an altar, but I do hope that by doing something to mark God’s hand in my life the people in my world will remember the faithfulness of God in their own lives.

“That this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, ‘What do those stones mean to you?’ then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever” (Josh. 4:6-7).

I won’t be putting one stone on top of another, but I will be putting one foot in front of another as a way to counsel my own heart and send a message to the world:

• God has been faithful.
• He has kept His promises.
• His Word is true and can be trusted.
• I’m not who I once was.
• We’ve got a God-sized mission to do. Let’s roll!

3 Ways to Get Involved

I’d love for you to get involved in celebrating this milestone with me. Here are three ways you can.

1. Build your own memorial.

When is your spiritual birthday? Consider marking it or celebrating it in some way.

• Can you give to a ministry that has impacted you?
• Can you write a letter to a pastor who has challenged you?
• Can you invest in someone else since you’ve been invested in?
• Can you create art focused on a Bible verse that has been especially meaningful to you?

The possibilities are endless!

2. Let’s take a walk!

I’d love to have you walk with me on July 25. Sure, we probably can’t physically walk side by side, but you can walk in your world and I can walk in mine. (And thanks to technology, we can shoot each other pics!) If you’ve known the Lord five years, walk five miles. If you’ve known Him ten, walk ten miles—or ten yards or ten steps. This isn’t about pushing the boundaries physically; it’s about remembering all God has done for us!

I’ll be tweeting live as I walk. Follow me @eringraffiti. I’d love to hear from women all over the country who are on the move to celebrate what God has done!

3. Invest in kingdom work around the globe!

I’d love to have you give toward my effort to raise $20,000. Remember, I’m giving every cent away to four organizations that have dramatically impacted my relationship with Christ and are busy with meaningful, kingdom work. Every dollar raised will be divided four ways and given to these ministries. By giving, you will be a part of sharing the gospel in India, South Africa, across the United States, and around the world. Talk about a great investment! Here’s a recap.

Greentree Christian Church—This is my home church. Under the leadership of my pastor, Tim Cook, no organization has had a greater impact on my life than this church. We will use the money raised to build safe houses in India.

Impact Community Church—This church is pastored by my former youth pastor, Barry Smith. Impact will use funds raised to create an online campus so people can access truth-packed services worldwide.

Pure Freedom—This ministry is run by my mentor, Dannah Gresh. Funds raised will be used to continue to teach moms and daughters a biblical view of sexuality and purity. Talk about a timely message!

Revive Our Hearts—Revive Our Hearts calls women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ. I have grown in my understanding of biblical truth so much through this ministry! Funds raised will be used to equip women’s ministry leaders in South Africa to dub and circulate quality, biblical teaching for women.

So whatdya say? Will you pledge to give for each mile I will walk?

• You could give $1 per mile, $20 total.
• You could give $10 per mile, $200 total.
• You could give $1,000 per mile, fully funding this effort.
• Or give any amount in between.

Find out more information at www.gofundme.com/ErinDavis and ErinDavis.org, and plan to follow me LIVE on Twitter or Instagram (@Eringraffiti) July 25 as I walk twenty miles to raise $20,000 in celebration of twenty years.

Easter 2015 was particularly memorable for the Davis clan.

We had new baby sheep on our little farm, and I got the bright idea to take one of those sweet little lambs to our Easter celebration at my mom’s house.
Nothing says Easter like kids in their Sunday best taking a photo op with a baby sheep, right?

My nieces and nephews were smitten with the lamb, so much so they decided to take him for a walk. You can probably guess where this is going, even if they
couldn’t—the lamb got loose. A herd of children screaming and running toward it made him bolt, and the lamb got lost in the woods.

The parable of the lost sheep reminds me that He pursued me when I
was still running away from Him in glad rebellion.

Once they realized they weren’t in trouble, the kids handled the escape pretty well, until someone mentioned a coyote. All of the kids simultaneously burst
into tears. It was a symphony of screaming and crying. Not even another chocolate bunny could console them. What started out as a very Norman Rockwell-like
holiday quickly downgraded to a scene more closely resembling an episode of Jerry Springer.

For more than two days we searched for that little lamb. His mama stood out in the field and called for him until she was hoarse. I told my boys he was
likely a goner. They cried some more. Then someone had the bright idea to put our plight on Facebook. I never saw the post, but I am sure it went something
like this:

Easter lamb led to the slaughter by adorable children in church clothes.

I wasn’t sure what broadcasting the bad news on social media would do, but then we got a crazy phone call.

“Did you lose a sheep?”

“Yep, we sure did.”

“My husband was out cutting wood, and he swore he saw a baby lamb. I told him, ‘I read about him on Facebook.'”

In no time at all, my husband raced over to the home of the good-natured Facebook friend who called. They had, in fact, found our lost sheep. Against all
odds, he had made it five miles from my mom’s home. All the cousins were called. The children rejoiced. But then . . . the very best part of the story
happened.

My husband opened the gate, and that little lamb ran to his mama. As he nursed for the first time in more than two days, his little tail wagged at super
speed.

Miraculously, the lost sheep had been rescued and brought home.

The Original Lost Sheep

Our little lamb was not the first sheep to be lost. His reunion with his mama was not the happiest ever after. Check out the similar story Jesus told in
Luke 15:1–7. (Don’t skim it. It’s only seven short verses.)

Now the tax collectors and the sinners were all drawing near to him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man receives sinners and
eats with them.”

So he told them this parable: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and
go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls
together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more
joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.”

After the lost sheep incident at our house, this story took on new life for me. As someone who has, in fact, lost a sheep and looked earnestly, desperately
for it, I can feel the weight of what Jesus was teaching.

The parable of the lost sheep is likely a familiar one to you, just like it was to me before our little lamb made a break for it. But it’s taken on new
life in my heart. Would you mind looking at it closely with me in case God wants it to do the same in yours?

In fact, let’s do more than just read this parable. Let’s study it from three angles, like a gemologist trying to discover the exact value of a precious
stone. Ready?

Angle #1: The Lost Sheep

Who am I in the parable of the lost sheep? I’m the lost sheep.

Well, actually, I’m not lost anymore. In fact, I’ve been “found” by Jesus for two decades now. It’s been a long time since He rescued me from my wayward
ways and brought me into the fold. Perhaps that’s why I have spiritual amnesia. It’s so easy for me to forget how desperately lost I was. I need frequent
reminders that Jesus sought me out when I was still separated from Him by my sin.

Romans 5:8 says it this way: “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

When my Type-AA, achievement-driven side thinks I have to earn God’s love or acceptance, the parable of the lost sheep reminds me that He pursued me when I
was still running away from Him in glad rebellion.

Jesus is delighted by His children, especially when they run to Him.

When I doubt if He really loves me, the parable of the lost sheep reminds me that He sees me like a shepherd sees a sheep he’d do anything to rescue. He
rejoices over me. He carried the weight of my sin on His shoulders as He hung on the cross.

In hindsight, it was a little silly how worked up we got about our little lost lamb. He didn’t even have a name. (Farm animals are like that.) He didn’t
hold much value. More lambs will be born again soon on the farm. It’s kinda like the fact that I am only one of six billion people on the planet right now
and countless people since the beginning of time. But we desperately wanted that lamb to come home. God desperately wanted me to come home, too. He feels
the same way about you.

Jesus would hammer this point home just minutes after He told the parable of the lost sheep with the parable of the prodigal son.

And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him
(Luke 15:20).

We were all once prodigal sons and daughters. Jesus eagerly watched and waited for our return to Him like an expectant father waiting for his wayward son.
I need frequent reminders of this truth.

Angle #2: Jesus

Jesus, of course, is the shepherd in this story. Pay attention to how Jesus describes the tender way He cared for the lost sheep and the great lengths He
went to celebrate its homecoming. Perhaps it takes seeing the homecoming of a real lost sheep to grasp Jesus’ description of Himself here, but the bottom
line is this: Jesus is delighted by His children, especially when they run to Him.

Perhaps you need reminded that Jesus is a good shepherd. Here’s some tender truth just for you.

He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young (Isa. 40:11).

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep” (John 10:11).

And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory (1 Pet. 5:4).

Angle #3: The Pharisees and Scribes

While the parable of the lost sheep certainly has a warm and fuzzy quality about it, the original listeners would have found it a bitter pill to swallow.
Backtrack to verses 1–2 for the original reason Jesus told this story.

Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man receives sinners and
eats with them.”

The Pharisees, or religious folks of the day, were rubbing shoulders with sinners and they didn’t like it. They really didn’t like that Jesus received
sinners with a welcoming attitude that said, “Come, have a seat at my table.” So they grumbled . . .

“How dare He show compassion to them!”

“Doesn’t He know what they have done!”

“How can a good God put up with such nonsense?”

When I really study Jesus’ story, I can see myself standing there in their judgmental shoes. For me those thoughts look like this:

• “What is he doing in church? I heard he had an affair.”
• “Why is God blessing them? They don’t live clean like we do.”
• “Why is God blessing her work? She is not as good of a person as I am.”
• “When is God going to intervene with that group of people? They are a stain on our culture.”

When I dare to point the finger at the sin of others, I need the reminder that I was once a lost little lamb, helpless, and vulnerable to an enemy who
“prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Pet. 5:8). I didn’t save myself from that desperate situation. I couldn’t. Jesus made a
way for me to come home and then came looking for me to show me the path back.

Gospel Gratitude vs. Grumbling

The parable of the lost sheep is really the story of the gospel. When I am judgmental toward others, or secretly wish that God would be stingy with grace,
I’m just like the ones who grumbled because He ate His lunch with sinners.

The parable of the lost sheep is really the story of the gospel.

Instead of grumbling, God calls me to gratitude that overflows by helping me see the lost through gospel-colored lenses.

The lost will act lost. They are separated from their Shepherd after all. But He is desperately searching for them. He is already planning a party in the
hopes they will return.

• As you look at the parable of the lost sheep again, where do you see yourself in the story?
• What makes you “grumble” about the grace of God?
• What shift does it cause in your heart to remember how it felt to be lost?

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “Does My Heart Belong to the Pigs?“

Don’t you just love a free trial—a no-strings attached chance to try something out before you shell out your hard-earned cash? Most of us do.

Is it a good idea to enjoy a free trial without the commitment of a permanent arrangement?

When it comes to a new car, a test drive is a wise idea. If you’re thinking about investing four years and a wad of Benjamins into a college, it’s a good
idea to spend some time on campus first. Before you sign on the dotted line for that new house, you ought to go over the place with a fine tooth comb a
time or two. But what about marriage? Is it a good idea to enjoy a free trial without the commitment of a permanent arrangement?

Some people think so.

In fact, somewhere in the neighborhood of forty percent of people between the ages of eighteen to thirty-four said they like the idea of a “beta marriage.” If
you’re a non-techie like me, that phrase might not mean much, but it’s connected to the practice of “beta testing.” That’s geek for simply testing a
product before its official release. If you’ve ever done a free trial download of software or been given a free sample of something and asked to provide
feedback, you’ve been a beta tester.

In our culture of constant feedback, some people think that beta marriages are a good idea. This is an arrangement where a couple takes the marriage for a
“test spin” before committing for life. They give the marriage a trial run and then decide to formalize or dissolve the marriage after a two-year trial
period. Besides being terribly unromantic . . .

“Do you promise to love, honor, and cherish this woman for at least the next two years?”

“I do.”

Do beta marriages fit into God’s plan for marriage? Is giving the marriage a “trial run” by living together first a wise idea?

Hold the Phone!

Before I answer those questions, let me give this disclaimer:

I know that most of you aren’t running out to sign up for a marriage trial run. In fact, thirty-one percent of young people surveyed said that they are still in
favor of traditional marriage. You know, the kind where a couple is committed “until death do us part”? But I still wrote this post (and hope you will read
it) because . . .

1. More and more couples are choosing to live together before marriage, including Christian couples. When I see a trend, I always want to filter it
   through God’s Word.
2. While you may not consider living with someone at this stage in the game, a few years down the line you might change your mind. I want you to be
   anchored in God’s truth before that happens.
3. Sometimes we give marriage a “trial run” in ways that don’t include moving in together. (For more on that, check out this great post “Divorced . . . at 18?”). Because of that, it’s good to remember what God’s plan
   for marriage looks like.
4. As the culture moves toward wider acceptance of cohabitation, it is wise to know where God stands and to be able to articulate that well and with
   love.

So with that in mind, is it a good idea to live together before marriage?

The Facts

Here’s a snapshot of this trend.

1950: Nine out of ten women married without first living with their partners.

1990: One-third of couples lived together before saying “I do.”

Today: Half of all marriages are preceded by cohabitation.

Since 1980: The number of couples who live together before marriage has increased by 1,000 percent!

But cohabitation rarely leads to “happily ever after.”

• Forty percent of people who cohabit break up before marriage.
• Of those who make it to the altar, couples who live together are almost twice as likely to divorce as those couples who don’t live together before
  marriage.

Why? What is it about living together that impacts marriage so negatively?

Simply put, it is not God’s plan.

A Permanent Merger

We see our first description of marriage in Genesis 2:24:

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

In Matthew 19, Jesus was teaching about marriage when He said, “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not
man separate” (v. 6).

There is no way to have a “free
trial” of the kind of commitment God designed to be enjoyed between husbands and wives.

God’s plan for marriage is a permanent merger. It’s combining two people into one new family. It’s intended to endure. There is no way to have a “free
trial” of the kind of commitment God designed to be enjoyed between husbands and wives.

Couples choose to live together to get a foretaste of what marriage will be like, but the very things that make marriage work are absent in that situation.
Specifically, the commitment that allows couples to weather the trials of life together. There’s no way to fast track a lifetime commitment.

Psst . . . I’ve Got a Secret

From a human perspective, living together may seem like a good idea. It allows couples to spend lots of time together. It is economically cheaper than
maintaining two households.

Most couples see it like a “trial run” to determine if their relationship can stand up to the day-in and day-out challenges of life without the total
commitment that marriage requires. Some will argue that they need to make sure that they are “sexually compatible” before agreeing to share a bedroom for
life.

But take it from someone who has been married for more than a decade, these are things best practiced within the context of marriage. My husband Jason and
I had no money, terrible communication, and zero sexual experience when we got married. If we had beta tested our union, we might have quickly decided it
wasn’t a match made in heaven.

The goal isn’t to have a perfect marriage from day one,
but to grow into the people and couple God wants you to be together.

But God’s idea is that we learn those things within the loving protection of a lifetime commitment. The goal isn’t to have a perfect marriage from day one,
but to grow into the people and couple God wants you to be together.

Does your marriage need a “test run”? The short answer is no.

There is no such thing as “no strings attached” love. God’s design is for our hearts to become so tethered to our spouse that it’s as if we are “one
flesh.” When it’s time for you to say “I do,” opt for the not-so-free trial by saying “no” to living together and reserving the most intimate parts of
yourself for after you’ve made a lifetime commitment.

Note: Portions of this post are taken from a book I wrote with Josh McDowell, The Bare Facts: 39 Questions Your Parents Hope You Never Ask About Sex. You
can check it out
here

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “My Son Moved in with His Girlfriend . . . What Now?“

A herd of antelopes grazes together on an African plain. There are so many of them that they are calm and relaxed, drawing a false sense of security from
their numbers. They do not scan the horizon for predators. No one stands guard. They simply eat in peace.

But look closer. Something is lurking in the tall grass.

A pride of lions is moving forward. Slowly. Meticulously. In military-like formation. They make a wide circle. Soon, they will have the herd of antelopes
completely surrounded.

When we step outside of community, we become significantly more susceptible to temptation and sin.

Suddenly, one female lion gives the signal the others have been waiting for. The pride stands up in unison and starts running. The antelopes dart. A planned
confusion results, and the lions work together to isolate a single doe. Then they move in for the kill and drag their prey off to the shade to be shared by
the pride.

It’s a scene that most of us will only ever observe on Animal Planet or the National Geographic channel. But you might be surprised how much a pride of
lions hunting their prey can teach us about one of the root causes of loneliness.

Every time a lion pride hunts together, it is a lightly organized operation. They do not test their potential prey for weakness like other predators do. The
only weakness they are looking for is isolation. If they can remove a single animal from its herd, lunch is easily delivered, even if the animal they are
hunting is much larger or faster than the lions themselves.

Knowing Our Place

Where do you see yourself in the lion-hunting scene I just described? Are you the lion? Confidently stalking your prey? Are you standing on the sidelines
somewhere with a telephoto lens?

The truth is, you are the antelope. So am I. Because we are all made weak and vulnerable by isolation. We may be living life, oblivious to the threat, just
like the antelopes who thoughtlessly munch on grass while a lion lurks just feet away. But the threat is there, and it is real.

First Peter 5:8 puts it this way, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”

Staying disconnected has the power to do much more than simply make us feel lonely. It may just be what the enemy uses to prey upon you and bring you down.

Back to the Garden

Let’s head back to the Garden of Eden to take a look at exactly how isolation led to the fall of all mankind.

In Genesis 3:2–5 the serpent, who likely had been lurking in the grass for a while, sees his opportunity to deceive God’s children and moves in for the
kill.

“And the woman said to the serpent, ‘We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, “You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is
in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'” But the serpent said to the woman, ‘You will not surely die. For God knows that
when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.'”

I believe Satan was hunting Eve. He waited for a moment when she was not surrounded by her community. Verse 6 tells us that Adam was nearby, but maybe he
was just slightly out of earshot. And even if he wasn’t, Eve apparently didn’t take the time to talk to him about what was happening. We see in her the
very first woman with an independent streak, as she determined that she would process the information Satan was giving her and make the decision all on her
own.

Would things have turned out differently for Eve if she had simply said, “Let me talk to my husband about it” before taking a bite of that rotten fruit?
Certainly, she would have been double protected against this attack if she had talked to her husband and consulted with God. God had given her a
double-layered safety net through a relationship with Him and a relationship with Adam, but she cut right through the net and put herself in grave danger
by deciding to go at it alone. What happened next reminds us that we are all daughters of Eve.

“Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the
Lord God among the trees of the garden” (Gen. 3:7–8).

Loneliness set Eve up to sin. Then her shame led to even deeper isolation.

Here’s the big takeaway: When we step outside of community, we become significantly more susceptible to temptation and sin. In this way, loneliness is less
of an emotion and more of a military strategy effectively used by our enemy. Then, our shame lies to us and tells us that isolation is the only way to
regain control. In this way, loneliness and shame become a two-edged sword that is very effective at takings us out at the knees.

A Church at the Stadium

Researchers recently surveyed those who regularly attend church services to get a feel for their experiences.

Sixty-six percent of the people they talked to said that they feel they have a “real and personal connection” with God while attending church. That’s good!
Safety net number one is in place for most of us.

However, the study also revealed that our second layer of defense is tattered. More than a quarter of those surveyed agreed with the statement that church
feels “like a group of people sharing the same space in a public event but who are not connected in a real way.” Another nine percent of those surveyed
weren’t sure if they were connecting to others in their church or not. I have to wonder if the people in this group know what connectedness feels like or
if they’ve settled for a synthetic substitute.

What people were saying is that for them church feels like going to a football game. The stadium is packed. They are surrounded by people who all want the
same thing. The mood is light, but they are not really connected. At the end of the service, they will go back home to their lonely lives with the same
sense they could never tell what’s really going on.

Lean in. Listen closely.

I think this trend is less a reflection on the state of our churches, and more evidence of a personal problem. As individuals we refuse to get real about
our sin. We want to keep up appearances. We want people to think we’re really good people. We prefer to think of church as a country club where we wear our
best clothes, including a pretty mask, instead of a hospital where we can get bound up and healed through the loving care of others.

Refusing to tell your sin to others will keep you an antelope until you return to your community.

That kind of thinking will get us isolated from the herd every time. Sure, antelopes are pretty. People like to look at them, but they are easy targets
because they are quickly separated from their community. Refusing to tell your sin to others will keep you an antelope until you return to your community.

Are you lonely? If so, is it possible that sin is the root cause? Can you look back and see that Satan waited for moments when you were outside your
community? He attacked and then he lied to you and told you shame should banish you to the bushes, making you feel even more alone.

It’s time to fall into your safety net. Seek God, and ask Him to reveal the sin in your life. Confess it to Him right then and there. Don’t hide yourself
or your junk. But don’t stop there.

Tell your Christian friends. Tell your pastor. Tell your mentor. Tell your family. Keep telling until you see the lion pride slink away and set their
sights on a different antelope.

Note: Much of this post was taken from my latest book, Connected: Curing the Pandemic of Everyone Feeling Alone Together. I’ll give away a copy to one of you who leaves me a comment sharing how isolation has impacted your faith.

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “Connected.”

 

After a fruitless ten-year war against the city of Troy, the Greeks come up with a strategy to secure their place in the pages of history. They construct a
massive horse designed to hide an elite force of their best fighters. The rest of the Greek army sails off into the sunset, leaving their enemies to
believe that they have given up the fight. Relieved that the conflict is finally over and assuming that the giant horse is an offering to the god Athena,
the Trojans wheel the beast into the fortified walls of their city.

Night falls, and the Greek special forces climb out of their hiding place and unlock the gates for their fellow soldiers who have returned under the cloak
of darkness. Troy is destroyed. The war ends. The Greeks win.

No, this blog hasn’t taken a hard right turn into the subject of ancient mythology. This is a post about loneliness. To tackle that big subject, we need to
revisit the Trojan horse, because too many of us have pulled our own version of that horse into the gates of our lives.

For our purposes, a Trojan horse is simply this: Something we invite into our lives thinking it’s a gift, but in time it turns and attacks the things we
most treasure. Here are three Trojan horses that are attacking the depth and quality of our relationships, leaving many of us disconnected in a connected
world.

Trojan Horse #1: Technology

If we are going to get real about the ways loneliness rears its ugly head in our modern lives, we must take a hard look at technology. Don’t worry. There
will be no witch hunts for your iStuff. I won’t propose a ceremonial burning of everything with an on/off switch or suggest that if we all moved to a
TV-free hippie commune, then loneliness would cease to exist in our lives.

Researchers theorize that we are spending
so much time online that we no longer have time to go out with our non-Facebook friends.

The reality is that technology is both a cause of loneliness and a false cure. It’s impacting our relationships, and the impact overall isn’t good. But
technology is here to stay. Over-romanticizing life without a screen won’t scratch our itch to be known. The answer is to rethink the difference between
authentic human connection and connection to the virtual world.

Honestly, when I’m not writing a blog post about technology’s role in our relationships, I largely consider the media consumption habits of others to be
none of my business, but I have marveled at the consistency with which others feel the need to defend themselves in this area. The fact that we are all so
testy about our media usage should throw up a red flag or two. The truth is, we’re all addicted, and our denial about this fact isn’t doing us much good.

Here are the hard facts:

• 70% of Americans sleep with their cell phones within arm’s length. One-third of us get online before getting out of bed.
• 61% of us check our phones every hour.
• Adults spend at least 8–12 hours per day staring at screens. That’s more time that we spend on any other activity, including sleeping.

What is the result of being constantly plugged in? More than half of us admit we find it difficult to make friends in “real life” compared with online.
“Skin-hunger” is a real condition that is growing like wildfire. Think of skin-hunger as the adult version of failure to thrive. For the first time in
history, deep, devastating loneliness is making young people as lonely as the elderly, the group typically seen as the loneliest among us. Despite the fact
that most young people have an average of 243 Facebook friends, it’s not translating into real-life friendships. Researchers theorize that we are spending
so much time online that we no longer have time to go out with our non-Facebook friends.

It’s time that we all get real about the opportunity cost of so much clicking. What aren’t we doing by spending time on Facebook, Words with Friends,
Internet news, Twitter, email, and watching television?

Society as a whole has chosen its side of the fence. The masses will continue to worship technology and work toward faster and faster pings. If you want to
be truly connected with others, you will have to break away from the pack.

Trojan Horse #2: Convenience

If we were to build an altar to our worship of convenience, I think it might be sponsored by Google.

Close your eyes for a moment and try to imagine life without Google. What would you do if you needed to know how to make a pie crust? You would have to
call your momma. What if some new friends from church invited you over for dinner? How would you know how to get there? You would pick up a phone and ask.
What if you wanted to learn how to garden, or how to build a treehouse, or how to paint with watercolors? You would have to take a class, ask an expert, or
at the very least enter a bookstore (remember those?). You would be unable to learn how to do things by watching a YouTube video or reading an answer from
Ask.com. Human contact would be required to solve basic, everyday problems.

Valuing people means adopting an overt willingness to be inconvenienced.

Instead, as a society we have removed the need for connection. Our iPhones know everything, so there’s no need to ask questions of others. But what if
convenience isn’t as great as we all think it is? Is it possible that inconvenience is the real sweet spot?

As I read the Gospels, one fact is undeniable to me—Jesus valued people. Over and over He allowed Himself to be stopped, inconvenienced, and used by the
people around Him. There is a lesson to be learned here. Valuing people means adopting an overt willingness to be inconvenienced. It means doing things
that cannot be measured. It means developing relationships based on who people really are and not who we want them to be.

Trojan Horse #3: Busyness

This idol may not look like a giant horse. It’s more likely to resemble your job or your church or your kids’ sports schedule. But I am convinced that in
the war for true connectedness, the Trojan horse sitting outside our gates that poses the biggest threat is busyness.

Here’s a look at just how big this idol has become.

• One study found that 80% of Americans work the equivalent of a second work day after leaving the office.
• We’re doing plenty of work inside our office walls too. Nearly 10 million Americans worked more than 60 hours per week last year. We work longer
  hours than almost every other advanced country.
• We’re too busy to sleep. More than one-third of working Americans sleep less than six hours per night. That means there are 40 million of us
  suffering from chronic sleep deprivation.

Yep, we are a busy bunch, and our breakneck pace is hitting us where it hurts. One study found that 60% of Christians around the world feel that their
hectic schedule prevents them from spending more time with God. That trend is also reflected in our relationships with others. The simple truth is this:
the roots of our relationships cannot grow deep when we don’t have time for true, meaningful connection off the clock.

Sending the Trojan Horse Back

Allow me to rewrite history for a moment. After a ten-year war, the Greeks retreat with no warning and leave in their place a giant wooden horse. The
Trojans have a moment of clarity. They realize this doesn’t make sense. The jig is up. The small team is easily defeated once exposed. Troy wins.

You can rewrite your own story too, you know? You don’t have to keep pace with the rest of the world. As a Christian, God deserves the firstfruits of your
time and energy, not another excuse about why there is no time left to know and be known. As a parent, your children deserve to have the best of you, not
the scraps left over by a bulging schedule. As someone with only one life to live, you deserve to know that rich relationships are possible. The world will
keep on spinning. Our iStuff will keep on beeping. The offers to go and do and be will keep coming, but a peaceful life full of deep relationships is
possible, and it’s worth fighting for.

• Do you feel lonely and disconnected, even though you have lots of people in your world?
• Do you recognize the impact of any of these Trojan horses in your own life?
• What can you do to push them back outside the gates?

Note: Much of this post was taken from my latest book, Connected: Curing the Pandemic of Everyone Feeling Alone Together. I’ll give away a copy to one of you who tells me about the “Trojan horses” that are impacting your relationships.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “Please Stop the World—I Want to Get Off!”

I hate waiting. We all do. Waiting for God to move can feel especially uncomfortable. When I’ve prayed and do not yet see God’s hand at work, I tend to get
squirmy. Did He hear me? Will He answer? Will these circumstances ever change?

Despite our culture’s efforts to eliminate waiting from daily life (think ATMs, pay at the pump, and drive-through windows) inevitably life sticks in the
waiting room. Because we serve a God who operates on His timetable, not ours, waiting is a by-product of our prayer lives as well.

Maybe you’re in the waiting room:

• Waiting for God to heal your physical body
• Waiting for God to bring you a spouse or a baby
• Waiting for God to work in your church
• Waiting for God to bring a prodigal child home
• Waiting for employment
• Waiting for reconciliation

Yep, I’m in the waiting room too these days. But, I’m determined not to spend this time kicking and screaming. I want to wait well. I don’t want to waste
the waiting.

An Expert Waiter

Moses was an expert waiter. First, he waited to be rescued as a wee babe in a bulrush basket (Ex. 2:2). Perhaps he was too small to remember that moment of
waiting, but it was a glimpse of how the rest of Moses’ life would go.

After murdering a man, Moses fled his home and family to the foreign land of Midian. He waited there for forty years (Acts 7:30). He spent four decades
waiting for something to happen or for news that he could return safely home. Something did happen. Moses encountered the voice of God booming from a
burning bush (Exodus 3:2). The wait was over! He had a mission.

But he found himself in the waiting room again soon, waiting for Pharaoh to let his people go. Once that wait was over, he wandered with God’s people in
the desert for another forty years, waiting to enter the Promised Land. In total, Moses spent at least eight decades waiting for the Lord. He died at the
age of 120 (Deut. 34:7), meaning he spent more than 60% of his life in the waiting room.

As we look at his life, here are ten lessons we can learn about how to wait well.

1. Be Content

After finding himself in a strange land with no family or possessions, Moses was invited to live with the Midianite priest and his family. I doubt the
situation was perfect. But Moses chose contentment.

“And Moses was content to dwell with the man, and he gave Moses his daughter Zipporah” (Ex. 2:21).

You have a choice. You can wait with great anxiety, fear, and frustration. Or you can wait with contentment. Here’s a visual. Think of the last time you
sat in the waiting room at the pediatrician’s office. Since I have three young boys, that’s a stop I make about as often as the post office.

There are two kinds of waiters in that waiting room. There are the children who scream and cry and dump toys. And there are the children who snuggle close
to their mommies or quietly wait (thanks to the help of the Disney app on their daddy’s iPhone). Both kinds of kids have to wait. The kid throwing a fit
doesn’t get in to the doctor any sooner than the one who isn’t. But believe me, as a mama who has waited with both kinds of kids, the waiting feels
infinitely longer to the distraught kid (and his parents!).

You don’t have to be happy about the waiting, but you can choose contentment.

First Timothy 6:6 reminds us, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”

2. Love Your Own Family Well

Moses’ forty years in Midian were not unproductive years. He had two sons during that time (Acts 7:29) and devoted himself to caring for them and their
mother.

This is a simple, yet effective, action plan for waiting well. Take care of your tribe. Love your children and grandchildren. Serve your husband. Don’t
force them to bear the brunt of your anxious heart. Stop wringing your hands and get busy taking care of the people in your world.

“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1
Tim. 5:8).

3. Work Hard

How did Moses spend his days in Midian while He waited for God to reveal the game plan? Did he pace the floors? Search the Internet for answers? (No, of
course not. There was no Internet, but that’s often how we fill the waiting space, isn’t it?) Take matters into his own hands?

“Now Moses was keeping the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro, the priest of Midian, and he led his flock to the west side of the wilderness and came to
Horeb, the mountain of God” (Ex. 3:1).

Moses was about to get shoved from the waiting room to the operating room, where God would give him a new identity and purpose. Moses was steps away from
encountering the living God speaking from a burning bush. And what do we find him doing there?

He was herding sheep.

Training to be used by God is more likely to happen in the sheep fields than it is to happen in the palace. Especially when we are waiting for God to use
us for kingdom work, we need reminded of the value of working hard and stewarding well the tasks He has already assigned to us.

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men” (Col. 3:23).

4. Intercede for Others

As Moses wandered in the wilderness, waiting for deliverance into the Promised Land, he prayed bold, powerful prayers for God’s people. (See Ex. 33:12-16,
Num. 14:13-19). He knew the promised outcome, but he didn’t stop praying for God’s work.

As you wait for God to work in your own life, pray like crazy that He would move in others’. Your faith will be shored up by seeing God’s hand in the lives
of other people.

“First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people” (1 Tim. 2:1).

5. Value God’s Commands

We all know the story of when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments on slabs of stone only to smash them out of anger for the people’s rebellion (Ex.
20:1-21). Moses was passionate about both God’s Word and righteous living. So much so, that he trekked back up the mountain to retrieve a second copy of
the commandments from God (Ex. 34:28).

I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I am waiting on God I feel bitter about how He has called me to live. I don’t want to have joy in the waiting
room. I want to pout. I don’t want to trust in Him when I cannot see Him, I want Him to reveal Himself. Frankly, sometimes I want to be the one to “throw
down the tablets” in frustration.

Instead, I need to trek back up the mountain to be with the Lord. I need to ask Him to remind me of His priorities. I need to be about the business of
living like He calls me to live. The waiting room reminds me that I serve a big God who does not jump through the hoops I set for Him. I should live
according to His Word at all times.

6. Go to War Against Idols

In Exodus 32 Moses came down from the mountain (another waiting room) and found his people worshipping a golden calf. His reaction to this idol was not
passive.

“He took the calf that they had made and burned it with fire and ground it into powder and scattered it on the water and made the people of Israel drink
it” (Ex. 32:20).

Throughout the exodus Moses was diligent about purging idolatry from his people. The waiting room has that effect. Often, waiting exposes idols in my own
heart. As my heart gets squirmy, I often come face to face with the fact that I am looking to something other than God to meet my needs. Then I have to
swallow my pride, which tastes about as bitter as the powdered gold Moses’ made His people drink, and repent. Because of this pattern, I have found the
waiting room to often be a gift. It is there that God does business with my heart. It almost always hurts, but the end result is a heart more devoted to
God. If waiting makes your heart go wild, ask the Lord to reveal any idols you may have settled for.

7. Celebrate!

Moses’ people did lots of wandering, but they also did plenty of partying.

“On the day of your gladness also, and at your appointed feasts and at the beginning of your months, you shall blow the trumpets over your burnt offerings
and over the sacrifices of your peace offerings. They shall be a reminder of you before your God: I am the LORD your God” (Num. 10:10).

Even in the waiting room, God has given you much to celebrate. Instead of focusing on all that He has not done yet, rejoice about all He has already done
for you.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice” (Phil. 4:4).

8. Keep Your Eyes on the Promised Land

What has God promised you? Even if He has not delivered yet. Even if the finish line is nowhere in sight, you can take His promises to the bank. Moses knew
that and spoke these words,

“Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments to
a thousand generations” (Deut. 7:9).

Moses knew what it was like to wait. He waited longer and more often than I ever have, but all of that waiting didn’t weaken his faith. It strengthened it.
In the end, he decided God is faithful. We can trust Him to take us where He has promised He will.

9. Seek God

One phrase Moses uttered over and over in the wilderness was, “Let me ask the Lord.” He was constantly double-checking with God that they were headed in
the right direction. As you wait, seek God often. Read His Word. Squeeze your desires and plans through them and make sure you are headed in the right
direction.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matt. 6:33).

10. Enjoy the Journey

While Moses waited for God to deliver His people into the Promised Land, he saw:

• God change Pharaoh’s heart
• God part the Red Sea

• Food rain from heaven and water spout from rocks

• Clothing and sandals that did not wear out for forty years
• A pillar of fire led Moses by day and a cloud of smoke by night
• By God’s power alone, somewhere in the neighborhood of two million people survived in the desert for forty years. Moses had a front row seat.

God may not be doing the one thing you want Him to do at this moment, but He is doing a million things that He promises are working for your good (Rom.
8:28). Don’t get tunnel vision, honing in only on what has not happened yet. Widen the lens and see all He has already done.

Moses refused to try to manipulate God. He waited well and stayed ready to move when God called, and what a ride he got to take! As I wait, I want to be
like Moses. Do you?

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “Are You Tired of Waiting on the Lord?“

“Marriage Under Fire”

“Government to Hear Testimony on the Re-Definition of Marriage”

“Biblical Definition of Marriage Questioned”

Nope. I didn’t rip these headlines from today’s blog roll. Not yesterday’s either. Yes, I know they are an accurate description of the state of the marriage debate our country is currently facing, but we’re not the first society to wrestle over the subject of marriage.

God’s plans will not ultimately be thwarted.

These headlines describe what was happening in sixteenth century England during the English Reformation. In case it’s been awhile since you sat in a world history class, here is a crash course. Pay attention to the parallels between what was happening then and what is happening now. (Don’t worry. There won’t be a quiz!)

• King Henry VIII wanted his marriage to Catherine of Aragon annulled.
• Catherine had not yet given Henry a male heir, and he had a sudden and passionate interest in a new lady, Anne Boleyn.
• This ignited a frenzy of public debate about marriage, government’s involvement in marriage, and the limit (if any) of the Bible’s authority in our private lives.
• It became a political affair centered around a theological dispute.
• In other words, marriage became the issue around which politicians, church leaders, and the public war danced.
• Because of the invention of the printing press, more words were written and circulated than ever before. If you had an opinion, you had the option to share it beyond your immediate circle. (Kind of like an old-fashioned blogosphere!)

Ultimately, good ol’ Henry split from the authority of the Pope and the Catholic Church and created the Church of England to get his annulment. But why am I taking us so far down this ancient path?

The Battle for Biblical Marriage Is Not New

Let’s take a slightly shorter trip into the history books and hop back a few decades. In the 1970s and 80s, cultural forces converged to create skyrocketing divorce rates. The “no fault divorce” was introduced and the effect worked like tidal wave in American homes. Almost half of couples who got married in the 70s and 80s divorced. That number stuck in the American psyche and caused much hand wringing, especially in the church.

I was a preschooler in the 80s, too young to be aware of any debate in the public sphere. As the 90s hit, I still didn’t care much about public opinion and was not yet a Christian, but I knew that my parents were divorced, and it was devastating. I started paying very close attention to how people talked about marriage. I picked up on a tone that seemed to say, “Marriage is a doomed institution and married people are more likely to win the lottery than to stay happy.” Needless to say, I headed into my own marriage with great fear and low expectations for success.

Now sociologists are telling us there is good news. The divorce surge is over! But for those of us in the church, there is still a great deal of hand wringing and head shaking.

The definition of marriage is still being debated. Is marriage strictly between a man and a woman? Can it be between two men? Two women? One man and multiple women? Is marriage forever or just for now? Is divorce healthy or devastating? Should individuals have the freedom to choose what marriage looks like, or do we need to agree on a consensus?

Just like in Henry VIII’s time, the government is involved in the discussion. The church leaders are involved. The public is involved and fractured.

We continue the war dance.

If you’re wringing your hands, stop. This is not bad news. In fact, it’s the opposite.

Lean in. Listen close.

People have been trying to re-define God’s plan for marriage for centuries and yet, God’s plan still stands.

A House That Must Be Built

Several months ago, I read through the book of Ezra. It’s a short, Old Testament book that outlines the rebuilding of God’s temple by a ragamuffin crew of exiled Jews.

God’s people begin to rebuild His place of worship. They stake their claim. Draw their lines in the sand and declare, “We will do what God calls us to.”

Go on, picture yourself in their midst. As a Christian, called to stand for truth in a world where anything goes, the task can feel monumental. Sometimes it seems like that for every step forward we are pushed ten steps back. God’s people in the book of Ezra knew this feeling. Their beliefs and purpose were not popular or widely accepted.

“Then the people of the land discouraged the people of Judah and made them afraid to build and bribed counselors against them to frustrate their purpose, all the days of Cyrus king of Persia, even until the reign of Darius king of Persia” (Ezra 4:4–5).

The general public tried to block God’s people. They wrote accusatory letters, convinced that the remnant was intolerant. There were decrees from kings to cease and desist. The cause looked hopeless much more often than it looked hopeful.

And yet . . .

“And the people of Israel, the priests and the Levites and the rest of the returned exiles, celebrated the dedication of this house of God with joy” (Ezra 6:16). 

Despite resistance from kings, the pushback of public opinion, and the unpopularity of their cause, God’s people were not stopped.

As I finished the book of Ezra, one theme came into clear focus: the plans of God cannot be stopped.

When it comes to marriage, that’s the good news, but of course there is bad news. Marriage may always be in the sights of the Enemy who seeks to kill and destroy all that God has made (John 10:10). That’s because it’s a picture of God’s unbreakable covenant with His people (Eph. 5:32). There have been and will continue to be causalities, marriages that break or miss God’s mark . . . but all of history will end with the marriage between God and His people. Marriage will stand. 

But what should we do in the meantime?

A Strange Dedication Prayer

Ezra takes the lead in rallying the people toward God’s purposes in the book of Ezra. As Christians in an anything goes world, we’d be wise to take our cues from him.

“For Ezra had set his heart to study the law of the LORD, and to do it and to teach his statutes and rules in Israel” (Ezra 7:10).

Ezra studied God’s Word and taught it faithfully. Even when that was unpopular.

He also prayed like crazy. In fact, at the dedication service for the temple that cost so much blood, sweat, and tears to build, Ezra is deeply broken on the issue of marriage. He realizes that God’s people have intermarried with the pagan people around him and his reaction is anything but passive. He tears his clothes and yanks the hair from his head and beard (Ezra 9:3). He fasted and then he fell on his knees and prayed this prayer . . .

“O my God, I am ashamed and blush to lift my face to you, my God, for our iniquities have risen higher than our heads, and our guilt has mounted to the heavens.”

For verse after verse Ezra goes on about the sin of his people, but this is not a “get ’em God” prayer. There was no “us” versus “them.” Ezra lumps himself with his people and asks for mercy in spite of the prevalence of marriages that don’t stick to God’s plan.

What happened next?

“While Ezra prayed and made confessing, weeping and casting himself down before the house of God, a very great assembly of men, women, and children, gathered to him out of Israel, for the people wept bitterly.”

The people repented.
They committed to marriages that honored God.
The tide turned.

Marriage will stand, but there is a battle to be fought for it. God’s plans will not ultimately be thwarted. Kings cannot stop the plans of God. Neither can angry mobs. Cultural trends do not change His mind or dilute His message. That knowledge is enough to stop the hand wringing. And yet, there are many who would come against God’s plan for marriage? What should we do about them?

Lets pray like Ezra and watch for the tide to turn.

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “Praying for a Restoration of Marriage.”

Fasting is the spiritual discipline of denying ourselves of something (typically food) to feast on the things of God. I explored some reasons to fast in yesterday’s post. Perhaps you sense the Lord is leading you to fast. You may be thinking, Now what?

To get you started, here are answers to some practical questions about fasting.

Q. Do I have to fast from food?

When we see fasting in the Bible, typically food is involved. But what the individuals eat (or don’t eat) varies. For example:

• Moses had no bread or water for forty days (Deut. 9:9).
• Esther didn’t eat or drink anything for three days (Esther 4:15–17).
• Daniel ate no delicacies, meat, or wine for three weeks (Dan. 10:3). In other words, he ate to live but not for enjoyment.

The Bible doesn’t give us strict rules about what we can and cannot eat during a fast because the focus is less on what we do (or don’t do) and more on what we are asking God to do in our lives.

With that in mind, food isn’t the only thing we can fast from. When considering a fast ask this question, “What can I remove from my life for a season in order to make more space for prayer?” Here are some ideas:

• Fast from all social media.
• Fast from TV.
• Fast from your favorite show.
• Fast from a certain activity that is a part of your daily routine.

Q. How long should I fast?

Again, the Bible describes wide variety in the length of fasts. Here are a few examples:

• All of the people of Israel fasted for one day after a devastating battle in Judges 20:26.
• Esther asked the Jews to join her in fasting for three days before she approached the king on their behalf in Esther 4:16.
• The men of Israel fasted for seven days to mourn the death of Saul in 1 Samuel 31:13.
• Moses fasted for forty days before receiving the Ten Commandments in Deuteronomy 9:9–18. Jesus fasted for this same amount of time before starting His ministry in Matthew 4.

So, how can you know how long to fast?

Ask the Lord. If He is leading you to fast, He will make the specifics clear.

Look at your calendar. Do you have a big event coming up that would make fasting difficult? Are you hosting a dinner at your house? Is there a holiday coming up? In order to keep your commitment to the Lord, plan a fast that is manageable with your responsibilities and commitments.

Q. What am I supposed to do during the fast?

You are supposed to pray like crazy!

Fasting without praying isn’t fasting. It is dieting or deprivation. The only reason to fast is to make space for you to seek the Lord with greater urgency. Here is what that might look like practically.

• During the times when you would be eating, pray!
• Use those hunger pangs as a reminder to pray. When your belly rumbles, seek the Lord.
• Pray passages of Scripture related to hunger. Here are a few such prayers.
  • Lord, Your Word says, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness” (Matt. 5:6).
    Increase my hunger for You and Your Word just like my physical hunger is increased during this fast.
  • Jesus, You said, “Man cannot live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Matt. 4:4).
    Teach me to be sustained by Your Word.
  • Lord, Your Word promises that You can satisfy my needs (Isa. 58:11). Help me to see all of the ways You satisfy and sustain me.

Q. But I’m a momma! How can I stop cooking?

You can’t! Those little mouths will still need to be fed. Lunches will still need to be packed. Your family will still need your care. Explain to them what you are doing upfront and ask them to pray for you. Take meal times as an opportunity to explain what you are praying about and how God is answering. Use the opportunity to teach your kids about prayer and open a dialogue about what God is doing in each of your lives.

Q. Is it okay to tell others I am fasting?

It will be impossible to hide your fast from your family, but the Bible clearly teaches that fasting should be as private as possible.

Here is fasting 101 according to Jesus:

“And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you” (Matt. 6:16–18).

In Luke 18:10–14, Jesus hammered this point home by blasting a Pharisee who fasted publicly in order to draw attention to himself.

“Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed[a] thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

A natural by-product of fasting should be humility. It doesn’t take long without food to realize that we aren’t really in charge. We cannot even sustain our own bodies without food the Lord provides. When fasting becomes about impressing others or trying to impress or persuade God, we’ve missed the point.

Speaking of impressing God . . .

Q. Will fasting earn me preferred parking in heaven?

It may be a temptation while fasting to think of yourself as super spiritual or to convince yourself that God will be highly pleased with your fast. The truth is, God is already pleased with you (Rom. 8:1). He accepts you, not because of anything you do or don’t do, but because He created you and ransomed you through His sacrifice, not yours. Because of this, fasting is not a gift we give to God, but rather it is a gift He gives to us. Ultimately, we fast under grace, not under the law. It’s not about rules; it’s about our relationship with God.

Q. Why haven’t I heard more about fasting?

Honestly, I’m not sure! It is a subject that gets plenty of real estate in God’s Word but isn’t talked about much in our Christian circles. As I’ve studied fasting, I’ve realized that fasting is an important discipline for my Christian walk just like prayer and Bible study. God has moved some major mountains in my life recently through fasting.

That’s why I wanted to open this dialogue about fasting with you. I’m not an expert on fasting, but I’d love to become one. Maybe you can help me out! What truths has God shown you in His Word about fasting? What has your experience with fasting been? Do you have some questions about fasting we could dig into God’s Word to answer together? Leave me a comment below.

If you enjoyed this post, read part 1 by Erin, “Should I Be Fasting?“

 

Mark 9 contains a story I’ve read a zillion times before. Jesus and His inner circle were coming down from the mountain where they had experienced the transfiguration and making their way toward joining the other disciples.

While Jesus, Peter, James, and John were up on the mountain, the remaining disciples had an encounter with a heartsick daddy and his demon possessed boy.

“Teacher, I brought my son to You. He has a spirit that makes him unable to speak. Wherever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams at the mouth, grinds his teeth, and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to drive it out, but they couldn’t” (Mark 9:17–18).

It is during this encounter that the dad prays one of my favorite prayers in all of Scripture, “I do believe! Help my unbelief!” (v. 24). Jesus casts the demon out of the boy, and he stands up cleansed and healed in front of his dad.

After the dust cleared the disciples asked an important question:

“Why couldn’t we drive it out? (v. 28).

Jesus replied, “This kind can come out by nothing but prayer [and fasting]” (v. 29).

For me, the two words found inside the brackets of the text are like a gold nugget of truth I’d never noticed until recently.

“This one can only be driven out by prayer and fasting?”

If that was true for a child afflicted by demons and his desperate daddy, is it true for something in my life? What about the things that seem to throw me to the ground or toss me up against the ropes? Can they only be dealt with through prayer and fasting? What about when I’m in the fire like this boy was? Are prayer and fasting the only way out? What about those things that I’ve tried and tried to fix and cannot? Is fasting the key that unlocks the remedy?

Those questions nudged me to run to God’s Word looking for answers to this big question, “Should I be fasting?” Here’s what I found.

Good Reasons to Fast

Fasting is a theme throughout all of Scripture. Fasting is never commanded for all believers, but the Bible does give us lots of good reasons to fast including:

• Fasting before making an important decision (Acts 13:2, 14:23).
• Fasting to overcome addiction (Isa. 56:3–7).
• Fasting for God’s intervention (2 Sam. 12:15–17).
• Fasting to show humility (Ps. 35:13).
• Fasting in response to grief or mourning (Ps. 35:14, Esther 4:3).
• Fasting to request God’s protection (Esther 4:15–16, Ezra 8:21–23).
• Fasting to set apart leaders for Christian service (Acts 13:2–3).
• Fasting with repentance (Joel 2:12–15).
• Fasting as a leader who desires God to work amongst your people (Jonah 3:6–10).

Fasting in Good Company

I can find plenty of good reasons to fast from that list. Scripture also shows us that many of the superheroes of our faith, including Jesus, fasted.

• Moses fasted before receiving the Ten Commandments (Deut 9:9–18).
• David fasted to mourn his child’s illness and ask God to intervene (2 Sam. 12:1–23).
• Ezra fasted to mourn the sin of his people (Ezra 10:6–17).
• Esther fasted for the safety of the Jews (Esther 4:15–17).
• Daniel fasted for an answer to prayer (Dan. 10:1–3).
• The elders of the church in Antioch fasted before sending out missionaries (Acts 13:1–3).
• Jesus Himself fasted before starting His ministry (Matt. 4:1–2).

These are the people I want to be like when I grow up. I want the power of Moses. The passion for the Lord of David. The courage of Esther. The boldness of Daniel. The gospel focus of the church in Antioch. Above all things, I want to be like Jesus. If Jesus fasted, I want to follow His example.

If we are looking to the Bible for good reasons to fast, there are plenty of them. But the Bible also offers a few bad reasons to fast.

3 Bad Reasons to Fast

Not all fasts are God honoring. Here are three bad reasons to fast.

1. To twist God’s arm

   The people described in Isaiah 58 were regular fasters. But they got miffed when God didn’t seem to notice (v. 3). God took the opportunity to teach His people about true and false fasting. What’s the bottom line? Fasting is about positioning our own hearts, not twisting the arm of God. It is not a transaction where we fast and God gives us what we want. (That would make Him a pretty small God, no?) It is a gift He gives to us, not a gift we give to Him.

2. To gloss over our sin

The Pharisees were regular fasters too, but they were also very good at missing the point. In Luke 18-1–14, Jesus blasts a Pharisee who publicly declared that he fasts twice a week while simultaneously glossing over his own sin. Fasting is not a substitute for repentance.

3. To show off

   Jesus said we should pray in secret. It’s not because fasting is shameful or something to be covered up, but because it is private—it’s between you and God. If your motivation for fasting is to impress others, to make them see you as super spiritual or extra holy, go ahead and have the cheeseburger, sista, cuz that is not what fasting is really about.

Is God Calling You to Fast?

I told you God’s Word has A LOT to say on the subject of fasting! And I’m just getting warmed up. There’s still so much to discuss. Be sure to hop back on the blog tomorrow for a follow-up post, “A Modern Woman’s Guide to Fasting” for some practical helps for how to fast.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you.

Have you ever fasted? Do you fast regularly?
Why do you fast?

(Note: All verses were taken from the HCSB.)

Ladies’ Bible studies are a staple in most of our churches. That’s a good thing! Titus 2:3–5 tells us that it is God’s design that women teach God’s Word to each other. But have you ever wondered what those closest to you really think about your women’s group?

I polled my wise (and handsome!) husband about the reasons why husbands might not be mega-fans of their wives’ women’s group. His answers were surprising, thoughtful, and more than a little convicting.

Here are six reasons why your husband may not like your women’s group.

1. You come home with a to-do list for him.

Here’s how this might look at my house . . .

My weekly Bible study group hones in on the passage Ephesians 5:22–33. It outlines God’s blueprint for a beautiful and Christ-exalting marriage. There are specific instructions for both husbands and wives, but my heart parks on verse 25.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ love the church and gave himself up for her.”

The more I think about it, the more it’s clear that my husband isn’t loving me in this way. When I get home from Bible study, I decide I should help the Holy Spirit in making my husband more like Jesus. I sit him down for a “state of the relationship address” with a plan to talk about some of the ways I feel like he isn’t loving me as well as he should.

Stop looking at the Word with an agenda to “fix” your husband, children, or others.

This might be comical if it weren’t so true. It is easy to look at Scripture and see what others should be doing. It is much harder to view God’s Word through the lens of, “What should I be doing differently?” Jesus diagnosed this as plank-eye syndrome.

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matt. 7:3).

When you look at Scripture both on your own and with other women, force yourself to ask these two questions:

• What does this passage show me about God?
• What does this passage show me about myself?

Stop looking at the Word with an agenda to “fix” your husband, children, or others.

2. You come home with other people’s stories.

Transparency in your women’s group is a good thing. It should be a safe place for women to take off their masks and get real about what’s going on in their lives. But what happens at Bible study should stay at Bible study. If you come home from your group and unload stories of whose marriage is in trouble, whose finances are out of whack, or who is facing a personal crisis at home, your husband becomes an unwilling participant in gossip, and that’s not good for anyone.

Proverbs 11:12–13 says,

“Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent. Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.”

I know you may feel the need to get the deep stuff you’ve heard in your group off your chest. I know you may want to tell your husband “everything,” but a wise woman sees the hurts and trials shared with her by other women as precious treasures, to be kept close and prayed over often. Women are no more likely to spontaneously combust than our male counterparts. (I looked it up!) You will not burst into flames if you don’t run home and share every secret you heard at Bible study with your man.

3. You give your best to others.

“STOP EATING THOSE COOKIES THEY ARE FOR MY WOMEN’S BIBLE STUDY GROUP!”

Ever shout something similar to that at your husband and children?

Don’t put your best foot forward for your friends and give the leftovers to those at home.

Does your women’s group get your best cooking, best attitude, and best behavior while your family gets your worst behaviors and a frozen pizza? Don’t put your best foot forward for your friends and give the leftovers to those at home.

Remember that Titus 2 verse? It instructs us to be loving and kind to our husbands and children and busy at home. Give them the best of you. And if you’re in charge of snacks for Bible study . . . bake a double batch!

4. You complain about him there.

When women get together, the conversation almost always turns to relationships. It’s easy to default to complaining mode in the cocooned safety of other women whose husbands also forget to take out the trash. But using your women’s group as a sounding board for everything you’d like to change about your man isn’t the Titus 2 blueprint. Don’t use it as a place to vent about your children, coworkers, or in-laws either. Here is a good “rule” for the conversations among your group.

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29).

Don’t assume that everyone already knows this verse. Talk about if often. Maybe open each discussion by reading it out loud.

5. You resent “man time.”

Titus 2 isn’t just for women. Verses 1–2 are instructions for Titus, the male pastor of a growing church and say,

“But as for you, teach what accords with sound doctrine. Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and steadfastness.”

God’s design is that men teach each other the qualities of Christ-likeness, just like women teach women. But for my man, that doesn’t look like sitting around in a circle of other men with their Bible’s open.

It looks like standing in a trout stream with our pastor. It looks like taking a weekend hunting trip with the men from our small group. It looks like going out for coffee with his grandpa.

Give your man the freedom to learn from other men in non-traditional ways.

I’m the kind of gal who likes to have my husband near me 24/7, especially as we parent our three small children. It’s hard for me let him go do other things, especially if they seem frivolous to me, but he doesn’t seem to have my hang ups. He graciously encourages me to spend time with other women often. He doesn’t have a rubric for what quality time looks like. When I grow up, I want to be just like him.

Give your man the freedom to learn from other men in non-traditional ways.

6. You’re a hearer not a doer.

I once heard a pastor say, “It’s possible to sit in church for thirty years and just get meaner.”

The same could be said about women’s Bible studies. Female friends are great. Women’s Bible studies are great. But if it does not translate to a changed heart and life, it’s a lot like banging on a big ol’ gong.

James 1:22 cuts to the chase,

“But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.”

Here’s a game plan to make sure your husband loves your women’s group.

• Go to your women’s group.
• (Leave some yummy goodies behind for him and the kids).
• Roll up your sleeves and dig into God’s Word together.
• And then put into practice what you’ve learned.
• In other words, BE A DOER!

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “Our Male-Bashing Bible Study.”

 

When speaking to parents and leaders of teenagers, I often hear a version of this question:

“There is a girl in my church (or a group of girls) who wear totally inappropriate clothes to church. What do I say to her?”

Here’s my response . . .

Drop Your Stone

For those of us who have grown up in the church, the choices of non-Christians can often be alarming. But we need to stop being surprised when the lost act lost. It’s been my consistent experience that young women usually don’t dress immodestly because they want to ooze sexuality but simply because they don’t understand God’s heart on the issue.

Instead of passing down a list of rules for what we wear, the Bible encourages us to “wear” the qualities of Christ.

Let’s take a detour to a story that might help us see how to approach that young lady in your church like Jesus would.

In John 8, Jesus encountered a woman whose life was riddled with sexual sin, and she probably looked like it. She had been “caught in the act” of adultery after all. I doubt she had time to throw on modest clothing before she was dragged before Jesus. How does Jesus handle the issue?

First, He deals with the hearts of her accusers.

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (v.7).

Maybe you don’t come in to church wearing a spaghetti-strap top and way-too-short skirt, but did you bring anger, bitterness, resentment, or addiction? Immodesty is an easy-to-spot sin, but don’t come at that girl with judgment or frustration. Wait to approach her until you can do so in love.

Start with the Gospel

After the woman’s accusers realized they had too much of their own junk to make a case against someone else, they slowly slinked away. But that didn’t mean Jesus let the adulterous woman off the hook. He did confront her sin. Titus 2:3–5 gives us permission to speak truth into the lives of young women. Look how Jesus did it:

Jesus: “Has no one condemned you?”
Woman: “No one, Lord.”
Jesus: “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more” (vv. 10–11).

This is the simple, beautiful message of the gospel. There’s no doubt we are all guilty of sin. We can’t cover it up or talk our way out of it. The adulterous woman deserved the punishment the crowd wanted to give her. She was guilty. I deserve the punishment of death that is suitable for sinners. I am guilty. But Jesus offers the woman an exchange. Trade in condemnation for acceptance. Trade in shame for love. Trade in a life of sin to become a new creation.

Does that girl in the pew in front of you know the gospel? Has she turned her life over to Him? Just because she is in church doesn’t mean she has. When you approach her, start with the gospel.

Let’s Figure This Out Together

Long ago, I was a high school history teacher. Maybe that’s why my love for young women is so deep. I believe with my whole heart that middle school and high school girls can change the world.

Back in my teacher days, I had a mantra that colored every lesson plan I wrote, “Whoever is doing the work is doing the learning.” Sure, you could download your thoughts on modesty to the young women in your world. They might think it matters. They probably won’t. But if you challenge them to open up the Bible for themselves and to discover God’s heart on this issue (or any issue) without an agenda, you will see the light bulb go off in their hearts.

This requires an important shift. We need to stop asking, “How can we get our girls to dress modestly?” and start asking, “How can we get our girls to be passionate students of God’s Word?” Hebrews 4:12 tells us that God’s Word works like a sword, surgically removing those parts of our hearts that don’t line up with the holiness of God. Which would you prefer? A girl who covers up out of obligation, or a girl who chooses to change because of God’s work in her through His Word?

Let me write your curriculum!

Here are some key verses and thoughts to get you and the girls in your church started.

“Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works” (1 Tim. 2:9–10).

This is a passage about what it should look like to be a woman of faith, but it is not a dress code. There’s no hem length mentioned here—no black and white rules about sleeves or no sleeves or the exact right place for a Christian woman’s neckline. In fact, this verse is less about the clothing we wear and more about God’s intention that we clothe ourselves with qualities that reflect Him.

Notice that right after Paul tells Timothy that women should dress modestly and avoid appearances designed to draw attention, he makes it clear what all women of faith should wear—”self-control” and “good works.” Obviously, those aren’t things that hang in my closet. When we talk to girls about the issue of modesty, we need to broaden the conversation to get them thinking about how the ways they present themselves reflect (or don’t reflect) Christ.

This is just a puzzle piece in the bigger picture of God’s heart for modestly presented in His Word:

• Matthew 6:28–30 tells us not to be preoccupied with clothes, but instead to focus on the things of God.
• 1 Corinthians 6:19–20 says that our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, we are to honor God with our bodies.
• 1 Peter 3:3–4 says that true beauty is internal. Nothing we could ever put on and nothing we could ever take off can give us the kind of true, lasting beauty that comes from Christ working in us.
• 1 Peter 5:5–6 urges us to clothe ourselves with humility.
• Proverbs 31:25 describes a woman who is clothed in strength and dignity.
• Psalm 132:9 talks about being clothed in righteousness.

Instead of passing down a list of rules for what we wear, the Bible encourages us to “wear” the qualities of Christ. This is why you have to start with the gospel when approaching this issue. No one can wear the qualities of Christ until they have turned their lives over to Him.

Take Her Shopping!

I’m not sure if you’ve ventured into a Forever 21 or Abercrombie and Fitch lately, but being a young woman with a commitment to modesty and purity isn’t easy. Marketers aren’t pushing girls toward the “respectable apparel” that Paul mentioned in 1 Timothy but toward the opposite. If the girls in your church are going to live like Christ has called them to in this area, they are going to need reinforcements. Care for her heart, first, through love and Bible study, but then help her give teeth to what she’s learning by venturing with her into the mall with ideas and encouragement.

Yes, modesty matters! But the hearts of the young women in your world matter so much more. Can you swap the adulterous woman found in the story in John 8 with a girl in your world? If so, will you ask the Lord to help you respond to her like He would by sharing the gospel in love?

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “Gentle Jesus, Meek and . . . Modest.”

 

When speaking to parents and leaders of teenagers, I often hear a version of this question:

“There is a girl in my church (or a group of girls) who wear totally inappropriate clothes to church. What do I say to her?”

Here’s my response . . .

Drop Your Stone

For those of us who have grown up in the church, the choices of non-Christians can often be alarming. But we need to stop being surprised when the lost act lost. It’s been my consistent experience that young women usually don’t dress immodestly because they want to ooze sexuality but simply because they don’t understand God’s heart on the issue.

Instead of passing down a list of rules for what we wear, the Bible encourages us to “wear” the qualities of Christ.

Let’s take a detour to a story that might help us see how to approach that young lady in your church like Jesus would.

In John 8, Jesus encountered a woman whose life was riddled with sexual sin, and she probably looked like it. She had been “caught in the act” of adultery after all. I doubt she had time to throw on modest clothing before she was dragged before Jesus. How does Jesus handle the issue?

First, He deals with the hearts of her accusers.

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (v.7).

Maybe you don’t come in to church wearing a spaghetti-strap top and way-too-short skirt, but did you bring anger, bitterness, resentment, or addiction? Immodesty is an easy-to-spot sin, but don’t come at that girl with judgment or frustration. Wait to approach her until you can do so in love.

Start with the Gospel

After the woman’s accusers realized they had too much of their own junk to make a case against someone else, they slowly slinked away. But that didn’t mean Jesus let the adulterous woman off the hook. He did confront her sin. Titus 2:3–5 gives us permission to speak truth into the lives of young women. Look how Jesus did it:

Jesus: “Has no one condemned you?”
Woman: “No one, Lord.”
Jesus: “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more” (vv. 10–11).

This is the simple, beautiful message of the gospel. There’s no doubt we are all guilty of sin. We can’t cover it up or talk our way out of it. The adulterous woman deserved the punishment the crowd wanted to give her. She was guilty. I deserve the punishment of death that is suitable for sinners. I am guilty. But Jesus offers the woman an exchange. Trade in condemnation for acceptance. Trade in shame for love. Trade in a life of sin to become a new creation.

Does that girl in the pew in front of you know the gospel? Has she turned her life over to Him? Just because she is in church doesn’t mean she has. When you approach her, start with the gospel.

Let’s Figure This Out Together

Long ago, I was a high school history teacher. Maybe that’s why my love for young women is so deep. I believe with my whole heart that middle school and high school girls can change the world.

Back in my teacher days, I had a mantra that colored every lesson plan I wrote, “Whoever is doing the work is doing the learning.” Sure, you could download your thoughts on modesty to the young women in your world. They might think it matters. They probably won’t. But if you challenge them to open up the Bible for themselves and to discover God’s heart on this issue (or any issue) without an agenda, you will see the light bulb go off in their hearts.

This requires an important shift. We need to stop asking, “How can we get our girls to dress modestly?” and start asking, “How can we get our girls to be passionate students of God’s Word?” Hebrews 4:12 tells us that God’s Word works like a sword, surgically removing those parts of our hearts that don’t line up with the holiness of God. Which would you prefer? A girl who covers up out of obligation, or a girl who chooses to change because of God’s work in her through His Word?

Let me write your curriculum!

Here are some key verses and thoughts to get you and the girls in your church started.

“Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works” (1 Tim. 2:9–10).

This is a passage about what it should look like to be a woman of faith, but it is not a dress code. There’s no hem length mentioned here—no black and white rules about sleeves or no sleeves or the exact right place for a Christian woman’s neckline. In fact, this verse is less about the clothing we wear and more about God’s intention that we clothe ourselves with qualities that reflect Him.

Notice that right after Paul tells Timothy that women should dress modestly and avoid appearances designed to draw attention, he makes it clear what all women of faith should wear—”self-control” and “good works.” Obviously, those aren’t things that hang in my closet. When we talk to girls about the issue of modesty, we need to broaden the conversation to get them thinking about how the ways they present themselves reflect (or don’t reflect) Christ.

This is just a puzzle piece in the bigger picture of God’s heart for modestly presented in His Word:

• Matthew 6:28–30 tells us not to be preoccupied with clothes, but instead to focus on the things of God.
• 1 Corinthians 6:19–20 says that our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, we are to honor God with our bodies.
• 1 Peter 3:3–4 says that true beauty is internal. Nothing we could ever put on and nothing we could ever take off can give us the kind of true, lasting beauty that comes from Christ working in us.
• 1 Peter 5:5–6 urges us to clothe ourselves with humility.
• Proverbs 31:25 describes a woman who is clothed in strength and dignity.
• Psalm 132:9 talks about being clothed in righteousness.

Instead of passing down a list of rules for what we wear, the Bible encourages us to “wear” the qualities of Christ. This is why you have to start with the gospel when approaching this issue. No one can wear the qualities of Christ until they have turned their lives over to Him.

Take Her Shopping!

I’m not sure if you’ve ventured into a Forever 21 or Abercrombie and Fitch lately, but being a young woman with a commitment to modesty and purity isn’t easy. Marketers aren’t pushing girls toward the “respectable apparel” that Paul mentioned in 1 Timothy but toward the opposite. If the girls in your church are going to live like Christ has called them to in this area, they are going to need reinforcements. Care for her heart, first, through love and Bible study, but then help her give teeth to what she’s learning by venturing with her into the mall with ideas and encouragement.

Yes, modesty matters! But the hearts of the young women in your world matter so much more. Can you swap the adulterous woman found in the story in John 8 with a girl in your world? If so, will you ask the Lord to help you respond to her like He would by sharing the gospel in love?

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “Gentle Jesus, Meek and . . . Modest.”

 

Are you a New Year’s resolution maker? I’m not.

Over the years, I’ve found the tradition of vowing to change at the start of the New Year to be an exercise in disappointment. Every year, my diets fail, my habits stay the same, and my resolutions to do things differently fall flat.

Maybe that’s because I’ve been focusing on the wrong things.

I’m feeling motivated to make changes that truly matter. I want the same for you.

There’s nothing wrong with making the choice to be healthier or try new things at the start of a new year. But, this year I’m feeling motivated to make changes that truly matter. I want the same for you.

As I think about you, and what I hope for you in 2015, my thoughts keep circling back to the impact of God’s truth. Most of you come to this site because you’ve already been exposed to God’s truth in some way. But if you are like me, there is evidence in your life that that truth hasn’t truly transformed the way that you live.

There’s a difference between knowing God’s truth and fully embracing it. I can’t imagine the ways our lives would change if we chose to believe what God says in His Word and allowed that truth to change how we live. It’s even more exciting for me to envision the impact we could have on other women by knowing God’s truth, believing it, and putting it into action. That thought gives me goose bumps.

I’ll help you get started. In the last chapter of Lies Young Women Believe, Nancy and Dannah list several powerful truths to counter everyday lies. I’ve turned a few of those truths into action steps for the New Year. Your job is to identify the areas of your life that are in need of a dose of God’s truth and put that truth to work in your own life.

Ready? Let’s choose truth together!

1. I will praise God on good days and bad days this year.
   

   “You are good, and what you do is good” (Ps. 119:68a).

   When everything is going right, it’s easy to believe that God is good and to praise Him because of it. But when life gets tough, we are tempted to question God’s goodness and “forget” to praise Him. When your life gets messy, you can choose to believe God’s Word rather than trusting your emotions and praise God in all circumstances.

2. I will live like I am deeply loved this year.
   

   “The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness'” (Jer. 31:3).

   Feeling unloved can have a huge impact on the way that we live. Specifically, believing the lie that no one cares about you can lead to depression, anxiety, and destructive behaviors. The truth is that you are deeply loved by God. If you believe God’s love is real and receive it, it will transform your life.

3. I will pay less attention to what others think of me this year.
   

   “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be pure and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”(Eph. 1:4–6).

   When a friend, a co-worker, or a loved one rejects us, it’s easy to let that rock our world. It’s also easy to get wrapped up in trying to please the people around us in order to avoid that rejection. But God’s truth is that He chose you and loved you enough to adopt you into His family. Choosing to fully embrace that truth provides the perspective we need to be less concerned about what others think.

4. I won’t use stuff to make me feel good this year.
   

   “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want” (Ps. 23:1).

   God is enough to satisfy your needs. If you have Him, you have everything you need. Believing this truth allows you to stop trying to make yourself feel better by having the right stuff. You already have what you need.

5. I will do what it takes to overcome a sinful habit this year.
   

   “For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—because anyone who has died has been freed from sin” (Rom. 6:6–7).

   God’s truth is that you do not have to sin, and every sinful pattern in your life can be overcome by the power of Christ living in you. That doesn’t mean that overcoming sin doesn’t often take work. You may need to confess your sin to a Christian friend or pastor, recruit an accountability partner, or remove a habit or relationship that has become a stumbling block in order to stop a sinful habit in your life. But God’s Word promises that you can receive freedom. Believe that truth, and then do what is necessary to remove sin.

6. I will embrace a God-sized challenge this year.
   

   “I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:13).

   God has not commanded you to do anything that He will not give you the grace to do. That means, for example, that:

   • there is no one you cannot love (Matt. 5:44)
   • you can give thanks in all things (1 Thess. 5:18)
   • there is no one you cannot forgive (Mark 11:25)
   • you can be sexually pure (1 Thess. 4:3–4)
7. I will accept responsibility for my actions this year.
   

   “The soul who sins is the one who will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him” (Eze. 18:20).

   You are responsible before God for your behavior, responses, and choices. You may not be able to control the things that happen to you this year, but you can control how you respond to the things God allows to come into your life. Making the choice to stop blaming others for the negative patterns in your life and to assume personal responsibility for your own choices will free you to obey God regardless of your circumstances.

8. I will be more concerned about my holiness than my happiness this year.
   

   “Be holy because I am holy” (1 Pet. 1:16).

   Jesus didn’t die so that we could live a life for ourselves and our own pleasure, but so we could be free to live a life that pleases Him. Pleasing Him will sometimes require sacrifices. But any sacrifice we make is temporary and cannot be compared with the joy and fulfillment we will gain in eternity. Only through seeking to be holy can we ever experience true happiness.

9. I will add praise, thanksgiving, listening, and confession into my prayer life this year.
   

   “For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son” (Rom. 8:29a).

   God is more concerned about changing you and glorifying Himself than about solving your problems. With that truth in mind, a balanced prayer life should include more than just asking God to fix your problems. Work to build a relationship with God that is not strictly focused on asking Him to change your circumstances.

10. I will focus more on Jesus and less on myself this year.
    

    “He must become greater; I must become less” (John 3:30).

    The truth is it’s not about you; it’s all about Him. The world was not created to revolve around you. It was created to revolve around Christ. This year, look for every opportunity to make your life more about serving Jesus and attracting others to Him.

Your life will be radically transformed this year if, by God’s grace, you make the decision to: 1) know God’s truth, 2) believe it, 3) act on it. How will you live out God’s truth in 2015? Leave a comment and tell us which resolution you plan to put into action. We’ll choose several of you to receive a 2015 Revive Our Hearts calendar.

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “900 Years Worth of Resolutions.”

 

It’s been reduced to a cardboard sign held up at the edge of the wrestling ring or a mantra for frenzied NFL fans.

We assume everyone already knows it.

It’s a verse so well worn that it seems to have lost some of its luster.

But we still need John 3:16.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

Did you skim it over? If so, go back and read it again. Let it marinate. Here are four messages from this verse we still need to hear and are especially appropriate as we take time to remember and celebrate Christ’s birth tomorrow.

1. God loves the world.

   You know the crazy world outside your front door? The one where wars are raging, diseases are spreading, and sometimes it seems like the whole ship is sinking? God loves that world. He loves Americans and Saudi Arabians. Those in the heartland and those in the Middle East. His love is big and global. It may not always seem like it, but He’s got the whole world in His hands, and He likes it that way. The wool is not now, nor has it ever been, pulled over God’s eyes. He sees the state things are in. He loves people who are lost and do not know him in the world. He loves the sick, the broken, and the sinful.

   He loved us when we were in that very state. Lost and broken. In glad rebellion against Him. His love for us didn’t begin when we surrendered our hearts to him and started to “clean up our act.” He loved when we were of the world.

   When we are tempted to shake our heads in disgust, wave our fist in defiance, or bury our heads in the sand over the condition of the world around us, we need to revisit John 3:16. God loves the world. Do we?

2. God gave His only son.

   The original sin was rooted in the lie that God didn’t really love Adam and Eve. If He had, Satan hinted, He would not withhold good things. Satan knew that lie would cut Eve to the quick. Soon enough, she was nibbling on forbidden fruit in an attempt to ease her insecurity about God’s love.

   I understand why Eve took the bait. I am very prone to questioning God’s love for me. If things don’t seem to be going right, I assume I’ve made God mad. I have a tendency to live in perpetual fear of disappointing Him. That’s why several years ago, I adopted a mantra I force myself to say often . . .

   
   I will measure God’s love by the cross and His power by the resurrection.
   

   Does God love me? Well, He sent His only Son to die for me. I think that screams a pretty big “yes!” Maybe your heart is like mine and needs frequent reminders of the price God paid to demonstrate His love.

3. Whoever believes

   John 3:16 uses a word that I often do not . . . “whoever.” It may seem like a benign word, but in the context of the gospel, I assure you, it is not.

   Salvation is available to “whoever believes in Him.” It is a free gift available to everyone. It’s not just for people who look like me, think like me, and Tweet the same blog posts I do. The gospel is so much bigger than that. I need John 3:16 because I need God to give me a bigger vision of His Church and a passion for lost people who don’t fit into the paradigms I create. Do you?

4. We will not perish, but have eternal life.

   When we surrender our lives to Christ, we are snatched from the fire. We will not burn up. We will not be destroyed. We will spend our eternity in heaven with Him.

   But sometimes heaven feels so far away.

   When my life is topsy turvy . . . when the future looks bleak or boring . . . when bad news comes . . . I can grab on to the promises of God and hold on for dear life. There is hope beyond my current suffering. There is hope beyond our ruined world. There is hope beyond the sin which so easily entangles (Heb. 12:1).

   We will not perish! We will have eternal life. That’s a promise I need daily.

5. We need John 3:17, too.

   While we are on a roll, let’s keep reading.

   “For God did not send his Son to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.”

   This passage is an antidote to our wrong thinking about God. He isn’t sitting up in heaven, waiting to zap us with a lightning bolt when we fail. Condemnation is not His specialty. Love is. He wants us to be saved from our sin. His heartfelt desire is for us to be reconciled to Him.

   In a world that often sees God as either overly permissive and unconcerned by our sin or overly judgmental and harsh, we all need to hear that He did not send Jesus to condemn us but rather to save us from the sin that separates us from Him. Your neighbors need to hear that message. Your friends need to hear that message. Your co-workers need to hear that message. Will you be the one to tell them?

How have these reminders about the gospel stirred your heart to worship your God and proclaim His greatness?

I’ve been praying for Santa and his wife, Mrs. Claus. I’ve invited them to church. They say they’d come if they just weren’t so busy. They own a small business that seems to eat up all of their free time. I’ve shared my faith with them before, and they always smile at me kindly. But they just won’t accept Jesus as their Savior. It’s not that they have a problem with Jesus. After all, Jesus and Santa are the two faces of the biggest holiday in the world. Santa respects Jesus, but what he cannot wrap his mind around is the Gospel.

You know the Gospel right?

The Part of the Gospel Santa Knows Best

It’s the truth that all of us are sinners. From the North Pole to the South Pole and in every nook and cranny in between, the planet is packed with sinners. It’s our very nature to rebel against God’s holy standards and try to live life on our terms. It rarely works out like we think it will, and that is bad news.

But there is worse news because there is a God in heaven who is not just holy. He’s holy, holy, holy. He is set apart. He is perfect. And because He is so holy, He cannot tolerate our sin. Isaiah 59:2 says that because of our sin, God hides His face from us. Our sin keeps us separated from our Creator. What’s more, Romans 6:23 says that the punishment that we all deserve is death.

Santa knows all about this half of the Gospel. He’s always watching for sin. Sure, he calls it naughtiness, but it’s the same thing. He sees us when we’re sleeping. He knows when we’re awake. He knows when we’ve been bad or good. The pervasiveness of sin is no surprise to Santa. He has dished out enough lumps of coal to know there are plenty of naughty boys and girls in the world.

But just focusing on sin causes us to miss the beauty of the Gospel.

The Best Gift That Santa Can’t Give

Romans 6:23 goes on to say, “But the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I can be a lot like Santa. I feel like I have to earn God’s love.

God’s gift of salvation is totally, 100%, no-strings-attached free. In fact, that is what Christmas is really all about. Jesus came as a baby, but He had no intention of staying so small. He was laid in a wooden crib that first Christmas so that He could bear a wooden cross in order to change my heart of stone. Because of my sin, I deserve so much worse than a lump of coal. I deserve death and eternal separation from the Holy God. Jesus came to pay that penalty. It is an immeasurable gift that I did not earn and could never repay.

Santa just can’t get his head around it. He doesn’t understand free gifts. His reality is a team of elves working day and night to create gifts for good little boys and girls. He associates gifts with effort and elbow grease.

I can be a lot like Santa. I feel like I have to earn God’s love. I find myself often wondering if He will take back the gift He gave me and replace it with a lump of coal. But that is not the Gospel, and it’s not the true message of Christmas either.

Jesus came as a perfect bundle so He could die as a perfect sacrifice. No jolly man in a red suit with a bag of toys can offer me anything sweeter.

Santa and his family will have to decide for themselves whether they want to keep clinging to the idea that all good and perfect gifts can only be earned through good and perfect behavior, but I’ve already made up my mind. Of course, I’m not really praying for our culturally created version of Santa or inviting him to church, but I imagine this is why he would turn down the Gospel if he were my neighbor. It’s why so many of us do.

Christmas is so miraculous because it points to a bigger story. Jesus came as a perfect bundle so He could die as a perfect sacrifice. No jolly man in a red suit with a bag of toys can offer me anything sweeter.

How do you fix your eyes on the Gospel during the Christmas season? Leave me a comment below with your answer.

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “Some Thoughts on the Guy in the Red Suit.”

 

“Hello, my name is Erin, and my parents are divorced.” Sometimes, I feel like I’m a member of a club that I can’t get out of, even if I fail to pay my dues. It’s the Adult Child of Divorce Club, and there are times when being a member is no picnic.

Much effort is often made to console and comfort children whose parents are divorcing (and rightfully so). But when we become adults, no one seems to want to talk about it anymore. It’s entirely possible that if you’re a child of divorce, you start to feel the familiar pangs of sadness, anger, resentment, and loss resulting right about the time you flip your calendar from October to November. That’s because the holidays can usher in a season of angst while we try to navigate celebrations at multiple households, interact with parents and step-parents, and face painful memories of past holidays.

Divorce leaves such a painful scar on our hearts that we may need to forgive our parents (or their significant others) many times.

While my husband sees six (yes, six!) holiday dinners as nothing more than a chance to chow down, I see it as a huge reminder that my parents and my grandparents are divorced. All those turkeys just represent failed marriages to me.

Don’t get me wrong—it has been twenty-one years since my parents divorced, and by God’s grace, I am fully healed of the resulting pain. But I still have to navigate my complicated family situation every year for the holidays. If you’re in the Adult Child of Divorce Club, you have to deal with similar issues. I’d like to start an open dialogue about how, as children of divorce, we can avoid potential land mines and thrive in this season. Believe me, I haven’t got this all figured out, but after twenty-one holiday seasons with divorced parents, God has taught me a lesson or two. Such as . . .

Forgiveness Is Not a Suggestion

God’s Word gives us clear commands to forgive. We tend to think of forgiveness like a dot on a map. Yes, I visited “Forgiveness” once. I checked that off my to-do list. But, it’s not always that simple. Divorce leaves such a painful scar on our hearts that we may need to forgive our parents (or their significant others) many times. Does the impact of your parent’s divorce on your holidays make you feel angry, hurt, bitter, or resentful all over again? Let those emotions serve as a reminder to forgive, not because your parents deserve it, but because Jesus commanded you to, and because He has forgiven you!

Foster Unity

My parents have been divorced more than two decades. Each of them is happily re-married. But, they still have many important things in common: mainly me, my siblings, my children, and my siblings’ children. That’s why I’ve suggested having some holiday celebrations together as one BIG, happy family.

Not every family could do that, but I do what’s in my power to make being together feel natural by treating everyone equally. Whether you get everyone together in the same room or not, how can you foster family unity this holiday season?

Call ‘Em as You See ‘Em

Sometimes more pain is caused by what isn’t said than by what is. Refusing to ever talk about the divorce again won’t make it less painful. We had trouble working out our Thanksgiving plans this year because there were multiple houses to go to on the same day and I didn’t want to stretch my small children (or myself) too thin. Instead of forcing arrangements that would have added to stress or sweeping the challenges under the rug, I simply called both sets of parents and said something like, “I’d rather not go to both houses on the same day. We end up not enjoying the holiday because we are so rushed. I want to be a blessing to you. How can we work together to fix this?”

We came up with an arrangement that worked for everyone and we were all better off because we talked about the challenges of our blended families openly and with a goal to love each other well.

Be Intentional About Legacy

As grown children of divorce, the odds are stacked against us. But we have tremendous hope in God’s power to transform our circumstances for His glory—your parents may be divorced, but that doesn’t define you. That is not your legacy. Use the holiday season as a reminder of God’s ability to heal, transform, and restore. And then ask Him to strengthen your own marriage, friendships, and overall mental health in the days and weeks to come.

I now call the meeting for the Adult Child of Divorce Club to order. Today’s topic: making the holidays sweeter. What do you do to navigate this time of year with grace, even with your family’s “interesting” dynamics?

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read “5 Ways to Make the Holidays More Peaceful.”

 

My mom’s crockpot corn (yum!). My granny’s cranberry salad (yuck!). My Aunt Rhonda’s pumpkin cake (double yum!). All of these will make an appearance at my family’s Thanksgiving table this year. But those yummy dishes will be chased by a harder pill to swallow.

As the men move into the living room to catch the football game, the women will fall into a familiar pattern. We will bemoan all of the food we just ate. We’ll promise to diet in earnest in the new year. We’ll joke that we removed the calories from the pumpkin pie. But inside, no one will be laughing because in my family beauty can be one ugly subject.

The Ugly Legacy of Beauty

Several years ago, I wrote a book about true beauty for young women. It chronicled my struggles with an eating disorder and the freedom I found when I learned to see my beauty through the filter of God’s Word. Six years later, I should see if anyone has a copy of that book so I can borrow it. After three babies and an ever-fluctuating number on the scale, I still struggle to see myself as I know God sees me.

When we fail to see our worth or strive to find value somewhere other than God, our hearts are revealing pockets of unbelief.

In some ways, embracing our God-given beauty and worth is a struggle for all women. When I read Eve’s story way back in the Garden, I see a woman who was really asking “Am I enough?” when the serpent offered her a slice of fruit that would make her like God.

But for some of us, the struggle is more intense. I suppose there could be lots of reasons for that, but for me, lies about beauty and worth have wreaked havoc on my family for generations. Do you know where I learned to struggle with my beauty? From my momma. As I little girl, I watched her go on every diet imaginable. I heard her constant comments about her weight. I saw her make faces at herself in the mirror. Where did my momma learn to struggle with her beauty and worth? From her momma, of course. It’s a part of our family folklore that long before the existence of the FDA, granny once took diet pills that turned out to be tapeworms (Ew!). I never met my great-grandma, but I have a hunch that she struggled to embrace her worth, too. Looking for value in a certain size or weight or style has the worst kind of trickle-down effect.

As I started to travel and speak about beauty to young women, I realized my mom and I needed to have a chat. I told her I wanted to honor her but felt compelled to open a dialogue about the often ugly legacy of beauty lies. She started to cry and said, “I thought telling you that you were beautiful was enough.”

Sigh. I wish it was that simple.

I don’t have any daughters (only a house full of rowdy boys!), but I’ve had to learn this hard parenting lesson: Do as I say not as I do, is hogwash. Our kiddos will never believe God’s Truth if we don’t.

Lord, Help my Unbelief

Make no mistake, when we get off track about the source of our value, it’s not about numbers on the scale or how our pants fit. It’s bigger than that. Ultimately, it’s an issue of unbelief. Maybe it’s not your outer beauty that makes you question your worth. Perhaps you gauge your value by:

• The number of Twitter followers or Facebook friends you have
• Who’s reading your blog
• The size of your house
• Your ability to get the job done
• What others think of you
• What your family looks like
• How many plates you can keep spinning

Those are all symptoms of the same problem—we don’t believe God’s Word. He has declared we have great value that is not based on any of the things on that list. I know what you’re thinking, Hold the phone! I love the Bible. I believe the Bible.

And yet . . .

• Genesis 1:27 says you bear the image of God.
• Psalm 139:14 says that you were fearfully and wonderfully made.
• 1 Corinthians 6:20 says you were bought with a price.
• Matthew 10:29–31 says God values you highly.
• Ephesians 2:10 says you are God’s workmanship. You were created by the master Artisan!

When we fail to see our worth or strive to find value somewhere other than God, our hearts are revealing pockets of unbelief. We don’t believe that God really meant what He said when He spoke so boldly about our significance. We don’t believe He really intended for us to be this way. We don’t believe that He could have made us with fear and wonder.

Why does that matter? Because when women fail to find their worth in Christ, there is always collateral damage. When we look to others to affirm our value, we saddle them with a weight they cannot bear. Even worse, our insecurity is contagious. The girls in your world are especially vulnerable to catching yours.

Why I Wrote This Post

I knew I needed to write this post after a recent women’s event where I spoke. I was teaching out of 2 Corinthians 12:9, in which Paul declares that he would gladly boast in his weaknesses because they provided an opportunity for Christ’s strength to be put on full display. I asked the women to write about their weaknesses in “brag books.”

Overwhelmingly, the number one weakness women wrote about was their weight and inability to control their relationship with food. Lack of self-control with their children and discipline to read God’s Word came in second and third, but it wasn’t even a close race. When those women thought about weakness, they thought about food and weight.

I understand. I struggle to have self-control in this area too, but it is only a symptom, not the bigger problem. My weakness is sin. I desperately need Jesus’ work in my life. Sure, that can look like jamming a box of cookies in my mouth to deal with emotional overload. But with so many women locked in a pattern of love to eat, hate to eat, and seeing food and weight (I’m not talking about women who have genuine physiological reasons for being overweight nor am I advocating that we all need to be stick-thin), not sin, as their primary weakness, it’s no wonder our girls are struggling.

And believe me, they are struggling . . .

• 91% of women on college campuses diet—22% of them diet “often” or “always.”
• Almost half of American children between 1st and 3rd grade want to be thinner, and half of nine- to ten-year-old girls are dieting.
• There has been a rise in incidences of anorexia in young women between the ages of fifteen and nineteen every decade since the 1930s.
• 40% of newly identified cases of anorexia are in girls fifteen–nineteen years old.

The Girls at Your Table

I spend a lot of time counseling young women. Girls who cut. Girls who skip meals. Girls who will date any guy who will make them feel beautiful. They all find their way into my world often. I do what I can to help them. I pray for them. I point them toward God’s Word. But my reach is limited. You’re the ones who need to do the hard work.

If you’re a momma or grandma (or aunt, or sister, or cousin), you can be sure that the young women in your world are watching you between the eye rolls. They really are listening to what you say, but they have a laser-like focus on what you do. If you’re looking for your worth anywhere other than Christ, they will pick up the scent in a heartbeat.

Even if there is a long history of rejecting God’s truth about beauty in your family, you are free to stop the pattern.

The holiday season offers a unique opportunity to open up a dialogue about food since there’s so much of it! Family gatherings have a strange way of exposing our insecurities, providing another opportunity for teachable moments. If the legacy of beauty is ugly in your family, this could be the year when you turn things around.

Practically, that means being very careful about how you talk about the food on your Thanksgiving table. It is not an enemy. It’s a gift to be enjoyed with much gratitude and no guilt. It also means taking the time to speak life to the girls who will join you to celebrate this year. Tell them how much God loves them. Remind them that their worth comes from Him.

Because I love young women so much, I’m hoping you will join me in fighting for their hearts. But first, we must be brave and let the Lord change ours.

• What makes you feel insecure?
• Are there girls in your world vulnerable to “catching” those insecurities?
• What changes can you make to change the legacy of beauty in your family?

Even if there is a long history of rejecting God’s truth about beauty in your family, you are free to stop the pattern. You can eat without guilt or shame. You can look in the mirror and appreciate what God has created in you. You can know that your value and worth are not affected by the number of helpings on your plate. When you truly believe what God says about you, it is guaranteed to send shock waves through your family.

Whatdya say? Will you join me in choosing to believe what God says about our value this Thanksgiving?

If you’re willing to break the pattern of generational insecurity, leave me a comment to tell me about it. I will choose three of you to win a free copy of my book, Graffiti: Learning to See the Art in Ourselves.

If you want to jump start a conversation with your girl on this issue, check out this post on LiesYoungWomenBelieve.com together and discuss.